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Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

Film ยป VHS Rewind :: Date: June 27th, 2019

Written by: Raccoon

In the future, the world is at peace. Everyone loves each other. They suck eachother's peckas 'n' such. And it's all thanks to Bill and Ted.

We catch up with Bill and Ted, who are half-assedly trying to be rockstars in their garage. They're dumbfucks.

Their history professor berates them for not having paid attention to his class... but why would they? History sucks. The Nintendo 64 wasn't even invented until the tail-end of the 20th century. Who give a fuck about the 19.9 other centuries?

Ted's dad tells Ted that if Ted fails Ted'll be sent to military school. But that's just a Ted talk.

They aggressively start studying and trying to learn about George Washington. You know, the wooden teeth dude. But they're so stupid they can't even focus. So George Carlin shows up in a Tardis and takes them to Austria to meet Napoleon.

No. Not him.

After an inadvertant time travel accident, Napoleon gets blasted back to modern times with them.

Rufus, played by Carlin, tells them that during their time travel the clock of modern time is still ticking, so they'll have to get everything done before their report. That literally makes no fucking sense. Why wouldn't they just time travel to whenever they need to be there? Take as much time as you need. This is bullshit.

If I could travel back in time, I'd go to the 50s and score with some black and white lesbians.

They travel to the Wild Wild West and meet Will Smith, who convinces Keanu Reeves to take his role in The Matrix.

Then they meet Chuck Norris and Barry Gabrewski and sit down for a cup of milk.

I'm just kidding. They actually meet Billy the Kid, who tells them they're gonna play cards and "whatever they win, he's gonna keep." Why even play cards? Just shoot them and take their money Grand Theft Auto style.

They travel to Grease and meet Tony Danza... wait, that's not even who's in that movie. Whatever.

I meant they travel to Greece.... Greese. Griece? I dunno. They meet Socrates, who's just some old creepazoid in a toga who looks like he smells like ball salt and crutons.

They meet some historical whores in a castle and try to impress them with their audacity. Unfortunately, they don't have any use for editing sound files so they're not interested.

They successfully get all the historical dudes to go on stage with them and put on one hell of a presentation. They pass with flying colors and music is saved forever.

In the sequel, Bogus Journey, Bill and Ted are manipulated by evil robots that are identical to them to be thrown off the top of a cliff and die.

Bummer.

But hey, I totally recommend checking out Bill and Ted.org, a totally rad fansite dedicated to all three movies.

...yeah. That's right. There's a third movie coming out soon!

I just hope it's on VHS.