Written by: Raccoon
A lot of people think I have an aversion to modern gaming.
...actually, scratch that. A lot of people who I know personally don't pay any attention to my interests whatsoever and once influenced me to buy a modern game, Shadow of the Colossal Ass, in which I started to walk around aimlessly and couldn't even find something to do when I looked at an online strategy guide that told me to go to a certain place and something would happen.
Okay. I fucking hate modern games. They're fucking awful. But if it's a formula I know I like, I might buy into it.
That's why I
bootlegged purchased Mario Kart 7 for the Nintendo 3DS. I like driving fast and throwing turtle shells at obese cartoon characters.
The first thing I've gotta comment on is the roster. You only get 8 characters. Yeah, that's how many you had in Mario Kart 64, but this is Mario Kart 7--- which... I guess means that it's impressive that it's only MK7 and has a roster the size of MK64. They've got 57 Mario Karts in between that... which means they all are probably awful if there's that little growth in the franchise.
For those of you with puzzle piece t-shirts, that was a joke.
At least Wario got replaced with Koopa Troopa. Wario sucks.
You can pick out what kind of cart you wanna drive, what size of wheels you want and allegedly there's some windsail options but I apparently have to unlock those.
I'm used to Mario Kart only having like four cups but this has way more cups. It's like Phoebe when she's put in charge of cups at the party. They're fucking everywhere. So whip out your mushroom, it's time for the Mushroom Cup!
This place has a pretty rad Toad float balloon thing and is generally fun. Part of me really wants to pop that balloon though. Either that or shoot Toad in the chest.
I'll say that as an opening level it's pretty legit.
This is some sort of small town that I'm assuming Daisy is from. It seriously looks like some kind of third world shithole, so I no longer believe Daisy is a princess. She's a fucking slutty hobo.
Also, if you wanna hear some really shitty music you should check out this track's theme song. It's like someone banged their hard dick on a Casio Keyboard.
Cheep Cheep Lagoon
Now's a good time to mention that you can change to a first person view in-game and control your racer by tilting the 3DS like a steering wheel. It's actually better than I thought it would be and controls really well.
PopoTip: Don't drink and drive, even in Mario Kart! You might drop your 3DS on the ground and damage the sidewalk!
In this track you can actually drive underwater, which is kinda cool. But if you can't afford a 3DS and a copy of Mario Kart 7, you could always drown yourself in your bathtub for absolutely free.
And if your complaint is that it's not electronic water like in the game, just drop your toaster in the tub.
Shy Guy Bazaar
This level is the coolest one so far. It looks like it's straight out of Aladdin, but without Disney putting in hebephilia implications.
(They didn't do this but some people think they did. Look it up.)
Upon completing the Mushroom Cup, I unlocked Daisy!
And as we all know, Daisy is named after a Flower, which takes us to the Flower Cup.
I'll be honest, the first thing I thought of when I read "Wuhu" was Blur's Song #2.
This feels like 3 different tracks I've played in other Mario Kart games and it's not that charming. I also found out this game was released on the Wii because the blimp still has a Wii logo.
I'm also starting to feel like every track in this game is at the fucking beach or the desert.
This track feels almost identical to Toad Circuit, but instead of big Toad balloons you get pink flower petals and the ability to drive inside a castle.
...okay, I love the flower petals. I'm easy.
Now this track is cool as fuck. You drive on a piano that plays notes when you hit the keys. The rails are music sheets.
In the limey version, this track is called Melody Motorway. Why do those tea-sipping motherfuckers get a better name than we do?
Rock Rock Mountain
What the fuck is up with this track title? Rock Rock Mountain? That is so fucking lazy. It's like if I named this webzine Article Article Website.
The track itself is alright, but it's a little similar to the Donkey Kong one from... uh... either Double Dash or Mario Kart Wii. I don't remember.
After that, we move onto the Chocolate Star Cup, which I hope to win and fill with hotdog flavored water.
Oh, and I unlocked Wario but Wario sucks.
Piranha Plant Slide
This track is pretty cool. It's based on the original Super Mario Bros. and you're driving through water-filled pipes.
My only complaint is that it's short, not fun and it didn't restore my enamel.
When the fuck did Wario become a pirate? This is news to me.
The track is kinda cool. It's half-underwater, so once again it feels like some beach shit.
Neo Bowser City
This is officially the best level because it's raining and rain is dope as fuck.
You know, it's funny. Human Raccoon launched on Neocities, now I'm in the Neo Bowser City. That place must be way more evil.
This track is fucking sick because you're navigating through 3 sections instead of 3 laps. It's really dynamic and fun. I actually didn't even realize it until toward the end. I thought the race was gonna loop but it didn't.
But unforunately, yet again, this is another fucking beach level. How many of these fucking things do you need? You should have called this game "Mario Kart Beach Resort."
This level is apparently based on the Donkey Kong Country Returns games, which I've never played. The music is pretty sweet and it's a really charming course. I wish the rest were this good.
Rosalina's Ice World
I was going to sing the praises of this level for not being a summer-based level, but then I decided that it probably was a summer level that just happened to freeze over like Zora's Domain.
You know what? Lava's just red water that hurts you. So fuck this one too.
...besides, somehow they've actually got water in this castle AND there's lava pillars inside of it.
Now it's time to see the moon!
...that's not what I meant, but that's cool.
This is the final level... and you know what? It's outer space! There's not a drop of water in sight! Motherfucker! I am so stoked about this.
...and you know what else? That's all four of the cups in this game!
...well, except for the four retro cups.
Alright. Fuck it. Let's take a look at those too.
Luigi's Raceway (N64)
This one feels good. It's a perfect recreation of the original with the added bonus of being able to drive up on the blue wall...
...and you know what else? Not a drop of water in sight. That's because this is from the 90s and water hadn't been invented yet.
Bowser Castle 1 (GBA)
I'm disappointed that this wasn't the cheese level from the GBA game but whatever. It's a race track. There's lava. It sucks. It's uninspired.
They added a bunch of sand pits too that just slow you down and some of them aren't even avoidable. Like, that's genius. That's what I want. To be slowed down in a racing game for no reason. Brilliant. Fucking assholes.
Mushroom Gorge (GCN)
Did you ever hear the statistic that the average person eats 3 mushrooms a year? It's actually not even true. There's a man named Mushroom George who lives in cave and eats over 10,000 each day.
He is an outlier and should not have been counted.
This place is haunted and it has walking trees! That's fucked up. What the fuck. Trees shouldn't move. They're part of the dirty earth, just like most people who have ever been alive.
Maybe the trees are possessed by dead people or something.
Koopa Beach (N64)
Thank God we're dusting off a beach level from the Nintendo 64. We didn't have enough of those already.
This level is so well made that I really wish that this was a Mario Kart 64 remake. Most of the original levels aren't very good, but the N64 recreations are stellar. I'm totally digging it.
Mario Circuit 2 (SNES)
I'm gonna be honest, and I'm sure some of you will get mad at me and throw a banana at my tits, but I don't like Super Mario Kart. The scrunchy map at the bottom really annoys me and it's just not that fun. So seeing this track recreated here? I don't give a fuck.
Coconut Mall (Wii)
I'm stoked that I can finally say "Ashley Olsen hit me with a car", since I have Miis of both Olsen Twins on my 3DS.
Waluigi Pinball (DS)
This track is fucking amazing. You're driving through a PINBALL MACHINE.
I also just unlocked a fucking bee.
Kalimari Desert (N64)
Finally. I can get hit by a train in 3D.
DK Pass (DS)
I was promised nonstop sun and now it's snowing everywhere. I didn't dress for this.
Daisy Cruiser (GCN)
Fuck yeah, more water!
This game is making me thirsty.
Maple Treeway (Wii)
It's a big fucking bunch of trees and shit. I feel like such a sap in here.
Koopa Cape (Wii)
Look. I'm clean (hygiene wise). Stop making me feel like you want me to take a shower. It's hurting my feelings.
Dino Dino Jungle (GCN)
It's cool driving around a jungle and up a board walk, but there's a big fuckin' dinosaur that's trying to stomp all over me. It's like the Diddy Kong Racing levels except with more feet... so I guess Quentin Tarantino came up with this one.
Airship Fortress (DS)
Now this level is fucking cool. Totally reminiscent of Super Mario Bros. 3, you're driving around on an airship with bullet bills flying at you and shit. It's sicker than fuck. I love it.
Rainbow Road (SNES)
The final track. It's actually way cooler than the 3DS Rainbow Road. It's a flat blocky surface and when the Whomps slam on it, the floor wiggles from the impact. It's incredibly challenging and I kept getting knocked off the edges. I say it's the most fun track in the game.
In addition to all those courses, they have balloon burst and coin runner minigames with several of their own unique arenas. Not to mention it also has online multiplayer, complete with the ability to join communities that your friends can make.
There's interesting stuff in the Mario Kart Channel as well. You can set up your Mii to be a racer and even create your own grand prix! I made one called the Raccoon Cup. The tracks are Waluigi Pinball, Neo Bowser City, Rosalina's Ice World and SNES Rainbow Road.