Written by: Raccoon
Super Mario 3D Land is a video game that exists.
I thought it would be cool. I like classic Mario games. I like 3D platformers. Putting them together should have been like mixing peanut butter and jelly... or Lemon Heads and Mike's Hard Lemonade.
But this game is weak. The only thing that's "Nintendo Hard" these days is trying to keep your fan projects online.
As the game's starting, Mario's staring at a tree with a raccoon tail, then notices a letter floating with a complete illustration of Bowser kidnapping Peach.
It's honestly amazing how graphic Nintendo games are getting.
Mario leaps and jumps onto a circle with frantic music playing. It's giving me fucking anxiety. Holy shit.
The gameplay itself is kind of wack. They tried to replicate Super Mario Bros-esque elements into an overhead 3D gameplay style but it just feels slow and clunky. But the cool thing is that they seem fixated on the raccoon power up. This is Human Raccoon, so getting to play the game as a human raccoon is some deeply touching bullshit.
I ran up to a set of binoculars that let me take a sneak peak at where the goal is... which I found pointless. I would have gotten there regardless.
There's goombas with raccoon tails, which reminds me of this picture a friend of mine drew in 2012 of her as a dominatrix as I'm on all fours with a cat-tail butt plug up my ass.
This drawing is unrealistic because I wouldn't be caught dead wearing socks. Fishnets or stockings. That's it.
It's honestly offensive to me how easy this game is. I feel like I could put my tongue on the circle pad and close my eyes and I'd still beat every level without getting hit.
What this game should have been was those Super Mario Sunshine obstacle course levels. Those were so fun. This is fucking stupid easy. I don't understand why video games are so fucking easy now. I want to get my ass kicked! It's fun!
If you enjoy this game you're wrong.