Written by: Raccoon
Goodbye, Saria. I hope that the forest lolis find happiness without me. But I'm onto bigger and better things. Now that the Great Deku Tree is dead, there's nobody left to talk me out of being such a cunt.
The world is my burrito.
Link has never left Kokiri Forest and apparently he's going to die because he's gone, but he's pretty emo so he doesn't seem to give a fuck.
Oh Jesus. A talking owl.
Hey, Mr. Owl! How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie-roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
...wait, that's all you stopped me to say? "Your life will be hard and that's what you get." Like, what the fuck? I already knew that. You're a goddamn asshole.
AND THEN HE JUST FLIES AWAY. LIKE, WHAT IN THE FUCK.
You stopped me for that garbage!? Fuck you!
Anyway. We are headed to Hyrule Castle! No amount of redundant owls can stop us!
But the sun going down and the drawbridge going up can.
Oh what the fuck. There's SKELETONS that rise from the ground and start shit with you at night. That's a fucking mess. I thought I was playing Ocarina of Time, not Castlevania 64.
Although I wish I was playing Castlevania 64. That game rules.
You basically just have to kill them like Buffy the Vampire Slayer endlessly until the sun rises.
I have arrived!
Not for long, dickhead. You're about to witness the Human Raccoon Roast of Hyrule Marketplace.
See, this guy gets it. He's got that Joker mentality that all 12 year olds strive for.
What a beautiful town. Time to ruin everyone's day.
Wow! Ocarina of Time actually predicted what it would be like to try to buy a copy of Ocarina of Time from a flea market 20 years later.
Wow. Is she Debbie Gibson?
And then we got this guy over here talking about his beard.
Dude. Your beard is fuckin' nasty. It's full of soup bits and shit. It looks like a viking's grundle. You should invest in a razor. Actually, invest in two: one to shave with and the other to slit your throat with, you disgusting slob.
Yeah, he's right behind the desk over there.
Thanks to the world of digital currency, I was able to buy a Hylian Shield!
Now I can throw this Kokiri one right in the fucking garbage along with that shitty flute Saria gave me.
...isn't she like 8 years old? What the fuck?
That's because he's trying to get away from you.
My real question is why the front door is unlocked. What's to stop you or I from peeing on the floor or stealing that table?
Why? Because I bathe?
He's probably dead.
Alright. Enough of these fucking people. We've got a castle to storm.
I've invaded this castle easier than Stan's brother Matthew in Eminem's song "Bad Guy." Seriously. I just barged right in like I own the fucking place.
YO DAWG. THAT SHIT WAS FIRE!
Aw man. I was yaaasin' Lil Sleepy's fire bars too millennially and the guards overheard me. Now I'm getting thrown out.
This is bullshit. If Nicolas Cage can steal the Declaration of Independence with no problem, I should be able to scream like an autistic pterodactyl in Hyrule Castle and not be thrown on my ass.
Look. I'm not a cop. I can't make him pay your child support.
If he just passes out throughout the day, he's probably a heroin addict... wait, are you my sister?
Alright. Whatever. Let's go back in and wake this fat fuck up.
I have now snuck into this castle twice, which is pathetic. Security here should be beheaded.
But I'm heading back in, and I'm gonna wake this dude up by putting my cock in his face.
Wake up! Are you the father of that abandoned loli outside?
Well, while you were dreaming about ladyboy dicks rubbing against your handlebar mustache, your ginger daughter was outside looking for you!
Yeah dude! She's doing all your drugs!
Alright. Now that this dipshit is gone, let's break into this castle.
This hole is a major design flaw, I must say.
Alright. Now this is some serious shit. This is the secret agent sneaky sneaky mission. We gotta sneak around like Splinter Cell, except with less night vision. Sorry, Paris.
I really must reiterate that these guards are fucking terrible at their jobs. I mean, what's to stop me from marching in and breaking the princess's legs? Nothing. Anyone could have done this. This is retarded.
Alright. I have arrived!
Hopefully there's not an army of guards in there with Suge Knight needles.
Much like your mom's panties, I have been spotted!
Oh, that's easy. They fucking suck. The security was better on the way to the Great Deku Tree for shit sake.
Why yes, yes I am.
Why yes, yes I do.
...you already asked me that.
...do you have dementia or something?
That reminds me of a dream I had where my mom's friend Troll came in dressed like a clown and trapped me inside a bouncy house with no door and left me to die.
Was it Madonna?
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Please don't. I don't care.
Look. Let me just paraphrase the story, since this kinda goes on for a while.
The triforce is a bunch of triangles that can grant wishes. So don't let evil dickheads have it.
There. I saved you an hour.
Zelda also explains that I need two more of these spiritual stones, a magical Ocarina, a dick and two balls to open the Temple of Time and access the Triforce.
Why? Is there somebody beating off in there?
That sounds fake but okay.
He's wearing all those layers of black clothing and he lives in the desert? He must have the worst body odor aura ever.
According to Princess Paranoid over here, Ganondorf swears his loyalty to her father but she doesn't trust him because of the color of his skin. Fucking racist little whore.
Zelda mentions that she told her father about the dreams she was having, but he's like "pffft whatever bitch" and went back to jerking off.
I don't recall signing up for this shit.
It's honestly fucking annoying how many times the same points are reiterated in this bitch's dialogue. She's like "Ganondorf is a bad man." You hit the A button like 50 times. "Ganondorf is a bad man." Like, I get it. He's a dick. He wants the triforce. You're rambling.
Finally this bitch shuts up and gives me a letter so I can be allowed into Death Mountain and go for the second spiritual stone. I have no energy left after hearing her inane ramblings. Annoying cunt.
But as I'm about to bolt, I run into an American Gladiators reject named Impa.
Did you just assume my gender?
Alright, whatever. Do you wanna join my band?
Aw shit. Spit some bars, Impie Minaj.
She teaches me Zelda's Lullaby, which is appropriate because Zelda almost put me to sleep with her asinine repetitiveness.
Impa offers to escort me out of the castle, which seems pointless considering how easy it was to get in here in the first place. I feel like I could run up behind the security guards and beat my little spaghettio dick until jizz spews all over their stupid metal shoes and they wouldn't even notice.
But alright. Let's head out--- but first, let me say goodbye to my new lady friend over here.
Adios, Princess Paranoid.
I don't really want to do that.
God damn it. Why does it have to be DEATH Mountain? Why can't it be Happy Mountain? Or Candy Mountain?
Fuck this noise.
Well... I guess the invasion of Hyrule Castle was a success. Now it's time to head on out to Kakariko Village to suck off the Gorons and steal their valuables. You know, for Hyrule.
Stay tuned for the next chapter in the Ocarina of Time Stumblethrough: Kakariko Village.