Written by: Raccoon
Every child has a mentally unhealthy obsession with something. For me growing up, it was always Digimon. I used to wake up early to catch new Digimon episodes on Fox Kids. I was obsessed. I made fake paper Digivices. I thought about the entire episode plot the entire time I was at school. This lasted all the way through Digimon Frontier.
Every child has a mentally unhealthy obsession with something. For me growing up, it was always Digimon. That's why I've started doing writeups of the entire series... and we're kicking it off with the very first episode!— Human Raccoon 🦝 (@humanraccoon) July 1, 2019
🦝 https://t.co/F60XPrSVF0 pic.twitter.com/kCMZYHS550
The last time I actually sat down and watched Digimon was when I was at my aunt's house. She took me to Hollywood Video around like 2008 and I picked up a Digimon VHS. It had the first couple episodes on it and my aunt made the passive comment that it was going to "rot all my brain cells." Well, it was either this or the Donkey Kong Country CGI show VHS I also picked up.
...and for the record, I have to hit this song and hit it fast.
God. It's like taking a hard drag off a cigarette.
We open with Tai, the main character, inquiring that he lives on Earth but might not actually be there.
Alternatively, he may have accidentally taken a hit of DMT.
But then, some Al Gore shit kicked in. It's hotter than a hairless Andy Sixx in lingerie and these kids are exhausted.
It's a scorcher out there!
But what's worse!? It's flooding! There's water pouring all over the cities and towns like delicious maple syrup on a blueberry waffle. But, in the places that were usually balls-hot were clit-cold.
(Clit cold is the opposite of balls hot, right?)
But Tai didn't know about all this shit. He found it out on The Internet.
Nope, he was at summer camp! It's just like the movie Camp Nowhere, except completely legal.
As it turns out, Tai is a lazy cunt with impeccable fashion sense. He could be using this time in a valuable way, like writing a review of a children's anime show from 1999. But instead he's napping!
Then, out of nowhere, it starts snowing! In July!
What the fuck do you think this is? ... Uh.... December?
...God I bombed that joke so hard. Please just let me move on.
Then we have Sora. Tai says "she's alright... for a girl."
I guess he's gay or something. Idk.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. My Tulpa's gay.
Matt is described as being "too cool."
Hey man, I love Too Cool!
Then we have Izzy, who "should have gone to computer camp."
Personally, I agree. I thought this was a nerd-free zone.
Mimi's favorite color is pink because she's a girl and stereotypes are real.
T.K. is Matt's little brother. They swam out of the same balls and into the same show. Makes sense to me.
And then we have Joe, who's described as a guy who will pee his pants.
...wait, why is his font different from everyone else's?
I can't find an answer online, so if you know why, shoot me an email at email@example.com. I'll be sure to shove the information right up my ass.
Anyway. The point is, it's snowy right now. It's piled up outside even though it's goddamned July.
Izzy is complaining that his computer isn't working. I actually see the problem: he's using a Mac.
They all rush outside when a big aurora borealis looking thing floats through the sky. Izzy says it's not the aereola boreanaz because they're not in Alaska, but Sora's like "dude. It's fuckin' snowing in July."
Little smug fuck ran out of retorts after that one.
So while they're staring up at the sky, METEORS start falling down around them!
They must be going to camp at Smallville.
As it turns out, they weren't meteors at all. They were Digivices!
But before they can even internalize that they were just given Tomogotchis for Christmas (in July), a giant water vagina opens up in the sky and sucks them all inside.
...which turns into a Winamp visualization.
Which then becomes the carpet at Chuck E. Cheese's.
Tai wakes up on the floor like a drunk slut, being beckoned to by a strange voice.
Well, it's not Jigglypuff. It's another talking pink ball!
Nope! Not that one either! It's Koromon!
That means "brave little warrior", and don't you forget it bitch!
Tai does what any reasonable human being would have done upon seeing a talking pink ball two feet in front of their face: shits his pants.
While Tai is internalizing that those mushrooms he ate might not have been safe, Izzy shows up showing that another pink blob is following him around.
I know for a fact I've seen this character design before...
Izzy explains that the "electronic devices" (their Digivices) seem to have taken a physical form. Meaning that these things are literally just virtual pets that they're standing around with.
In a perfect world, this would be real life.
But Tai's no dummy. He recognizes that something's off... this campsite wasn't near the ocean! And buttplugs weren't sentient either! What the FUCK is going on!?
But as he's trying to figure it out, he is attacked by an absolutely terrifying giant red beetle named Kuwagaon.
The pink ball spits a loogie in the eyes of the beetle, getting them a chance to escape. I'll have to remember that for next time: spit helps you escape danger.
They have a moment of bonding before Kuwagamon is flying full-fucking-speed, chewing trees in half to get to these fucking kids. This beetle wants these children fucking dead.
Seriously. If this thing catches any of those kids, they're murdered. It's over.
Fortunately, they manage to leap into the tree like it's fucking Super Mario 64.
They're hiding inside of what's basically a bunker, hoping this fucking thing flies the fuck away.
According to Motimon, this is a "Hiding Tree." What a mess.
And this is a good represenation of what it's like when I say something I think is funny vs. the audience reaction to said thought:
While the Digimon and Fleshykids stand around getting to know each other better, Mimi winds up screaming like a banshee and running out of the trees because Satan is back and he's fucking pissed.
The Digimon fly up and take turns spitting in Kuwagamon's face. Somewhere, a furry fanfiction writer is clacking away at their keyboard.
Kuwagamon falls, but so do the Digimon.
Now, this is a sad moment. They're all dead.
I've heard about some girl named Alexa who does deeds for people. I imagine she's like the 9-year-old cigarrette girl in The Wizard.
So like, can I tell this Alexa girl to go play a song for me or something? I've seen people mention that.
If so, I'd like her to play "All My Friends Are Dead" by Turbonegro in honor of these fallen Digimon.
While they're all mourning the total pwnage of their Digimon, (with Izzy spouting off that they 'must be programmed for courage'), Kuwagamon swings back around and is like, "no, seriously, I am going to fuck you up."
As it turns out, all the Digimon are alive. Not only that: they're horny for violence. That's right. It's combat time, fuckers!
It's honestly epic how much time they milk in building up to the Digivolution sequence. They keep cutting to the little baby Digimon flying, their respective human begging them not to and then it just keeps going. For every Digimon on the screen. It's fucking insane.
The best part is they were just stalling until the commercial break hit. As soon as it came back, they finally fucking showed what Digivolving was.
So now that the Digimon are on steroids, they're ready to shove the world up Kuwagamon's beetle hole.
They wind up taking turns hurling violent attacks at it in an attempt to murder him.
Eventually he winds up completely engulfed in flames.
You'd think that would be it, but it's not. Kuwagamon gets right back up and destroys the entire cliff that the Digifriends are on, sending them falling to their death.
What happens to them!? Do they survive!? Do they land in a pit full of AIDS needles? Find out next time!