Written by: Majin Tween
Prior to this event was AEW Double or Nothing.
AEW's Fight for the Fallen was so lackluster that I had absolutely nothing to say about it... but that's okay, because two weeks ago I did an entire review on AEW Fyter Fest! You can check out the brutal commentary on the event here: 🦝 https://t.co/3OOoN8htAT pic.twitter.com/CuwvWNnyWt— Human Raccoon 🦝 (@humanraccoon) July 14, 2019
This is AEW Fyter Fest, which may be the shittiest name for an event since WWE Great Balls of Fire. I did some research and found out that the name of this event was a parody of some nonsense Ja Rule was promoting called "Fyre Fest." I have no idea what the fuck that is, but it happened like two years ago and had nothing to do with wrestling. When somebody pitched the idea of doing a wrestling show that's just a parody of some obscure 2017 concert that was promoted by instagram models, somebody should have said "...what are you, fucking stupid?" and shut it down.
The show opened with a member of the AEW staff mentioning that they didn't have the clearance to set up the ring in the arena. He mentioned that he was asked "what he was willing to do to get the ring in there." They're kind of implying that he had to suck a man's dick to do it. The interviewer even asks "did you do it?" and he just looks down all sad and bites an apple.
Like, whatever I guess.
This show also has girls in bikinis standing up on the entrance ramp, which has now justified lacing this entire recap with pictures of Human Raccoon-approved girls in bikinis. For that reason, you may chant for AEW now.
Private Party vs. SoCal Uncensored vs. Best Friends
Apparently Private Party are from "somewhere where you need an invitation." Where's that? Allison Mack's house?
I don't know what the point of this match is, but I do know that I don't give a fuck about it.
One of the Private Party dudes looks like a Crazy Taxi driver.
Chuck Taylor's finishing move should be throwing his shoe at somebody.
The commentary's not bad either. Lord Alfred Hayes is really nailing it.
The Best Friends hit a really botched RKO. It was more like an RK-Oh No. But it didn't matter because they managed to actually win. But then the Super Smash Bros. appear on the screen. But they're acting all evil and stuff... so I'm assuming they're gonna be called Soul Calibur or something.
The lights go out and a bunch of semi-in shape masked men surround the ring and threaten the buttholes of the Best Friends. But then the lights go out again and come back on and they're gone. The crowd really didn't sound like they gave a fuck.
We get an entire backstage vignette about the Young Bucks and Kenny Omega getting new gear. The crowd starts booing... not because of that, but because Apple Man is telling the Bikini Whores to go away for budgetary purposes.
Don't worry, though . They were replaced with mannequins.... which are just about as smart as the actual women standing there.
The Librarian comes out and starts shushing the crowd... which actually works, but then the Male Librarian starts shushing from inside a tent.
Someone in the crowd screamed "YOUR GIMMICK SUCKS!"
The Librarian starts shaming people for only reading "comics and manga." The crowd starts chanting "WE CAN'T READ."
This is going over like a queef in a library.
Allie vs. Leva Bates
This fucking garbage was finally interrupted by Allie, who is like a semi-retarded rabbit. I kind of want to see someone throw a book at her head.
...and you know what? This really is like a library because the crowd has gone completely silent.
Allie won because she was booked to win!
Hahaha. I fucking turned the page on that librarian bitch.
Allie's gear is really riding right up her ass too.
There's a drumset set up, but apparently "Blink One Hundred and Eighty Two" pulled out. Kenny Omega is devastated, and you can tell because the camera was aimed at his face for what felt like 30 minutes.
Michael Nakazawa vs. Alex Jebailey
This wild son of a bitch loves baby oil.
Apparently Baby Oil Man's opponent is the CEO of CEO Gaming. I guarantee this guy is a pedophile. Look into his eyes. There's no soul there.
Nakazawa criticizes the cradle robber for his right leg being injured. Playground Kidnapper says it's actually his left leg, so Baby Oil Man kicks him in the left leg. What a dunce.
The commentators are taking turns shitting all over Toys R Us Employee's physique. Maybe he should eat more Subway like fellow pedophile Jared Fogel.
Nakazawa and Lip Gloss Dick fight in a kid's swimming pool, take a table bump and even get thrown on a bunch of plastic buttons (that have Alex Jebailey's face on them, which could totally be used for the question "is this the man that touched you?")
Baby Oil Man even tried to hit a mandible claw with a thong he was wearing. It was pretty fucking nasty, to be honest. But luckily he was unsuccessful.
Nakazawa throws his thong into the crowd and Lord Alfred Hayes says the thong is probably cleaner than the pair of underwear the fan is wearing... which then immediately segues into Jim Ross walking out, who I'm sure was stoked to be following such a slobberknocker.
Dean Moxley appears on screen and starts wiggling at the camera... like he does. And the pre-show is over.
The video package says "every person has a dream." Which I don't technically believe, because most people are just NPCs who don't give a fuck about anything.
"The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels vs. Cima
This match sucks, and Christopher Daniels still looks like a dollar store Howie Mandel.
Riho vs. Nyla Rose vs. Yuka Sakazaki
Is Riho from Japan? I can't tell. Her Kahntron is a photo of her followed by a Japanese flag. It's really terrible.
Nyla Rose has a Zelda tattoo. For that reason I think she should lose.
Jim Ross said "this one might be quick. Don't go make a sandwich." But I disagree. I think now is the perfect time to make a sandwich. Hell, walk down to a fucking deli and buy a sandwich. Then go for a walk, come home and take a shit. Actively try to miss this match. It's gonna be terrible.
I'm watching a woman in the front row having a panic attack because she can't get her camera to turn on. Like you need to record an event that you're DOCUMENTED AS SITTING FRONT ROW AT.
I hate everyone.
MJF vs. Jungle Boy vs. Jimmy Havoc vs. Hangman Page
MJF asks if the crowd is having flashbacks to being shoved in lockers. My generation can't relate to that. We didn't get to have lockers because of Columbine, so we had to carry around all of our books in backpacks.
That's why my back always hurts. I'm basically 80.
He says he loved video games until he lost his virginity, which is strange because after I lost my virginity I realized that I'd rather be playing video games. Sex sucks.
Cody Rhodes vs. Darby Allin
Oh fuck. Darby Allin is All In.
Apparently, Darby Allin lost all faith in humanity at age 5. That was about the same age I did too. And he's from Washington like me! Maybe he's me. I don't know.
I was going to make the comment of "where's Cody's jab at Triple H?" until I saw his shirt. What a tool.
Darby Allin has the physique of a 10 year old boy... as well as the angst. But now his angst is justified because he tried to hit a Coffin Drop on Cody Rhodes and hit the ring apron at full force and shatterd his spine into a million pieces.
I'm stoked that we're about to enter the Renaissance Era of wrestlers being addicted to pain pills.
After what was definitely, so far, the match of the night, Shawn Spears hits the ring and cracks Cody Rhodes in the skull unprotected style. There's a big fat blood puddle in the ring. It looks like Cody let Brandi use his head as a tampon. It's brutal.
Trap Music Luchadores vs. The Elite
The Elite are dressed up like Street Fighter characters because they're fucking nerds. We're also pretending that this is the main event because the actual main event is "unsanctioned." Which is fucking stupid.
Jon Moxley vs. Joey Janela
I love violence. This match rules.
We've got barbed wire chairs, tables and blood everywhere. This is what I live for. This was legitimately the only match where I stopped what I was doing to watch it.
After the match, which Moxley won, Kenny Omega ran down and started beating the fuck out of him. It's revenge for what he did at Double or Nothing, which makes sense. I was wondering why the fuck he was just letting that go. But they actually followed up on it. They're doing fucking storylines! I can't believe it!
All In all, this show wasn't bad at all. There was definitely moments that felt like filler, but others were much better. Like the main event that apparently I'm supposed to pretend didn't happen because "muh sanctions."
Match of the Night: Jon Moxley vs. Joey Janela
Shittiest Match of the Night: Half the card, really. There was a lot of filler on this show that should have been dedicated to storylines, segments and evolving the product. I didn't feel like some of these matches had any reason to be on the card. The over-abundance of multi-man matches was a tad silly too. I mean, if they had a real reason it would be one thing but it felt like an excuse to shove people on the card.
But that's Fyter Fest, which still is a terrible name for an event. The next AEW show is gonna be Fight for the Fallen. Surprised it's not "Fyte for the Fallen." Stay tuned because Human Raccoon will have a review of that one up too.
UPDATE: Fight for the Fallen was so pointless and boring that there's absolutely no point in me reviewing it.