Venom: Lethal Protector #1
Date: October 28th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
The other day I reviewed the movie Venom, and thought it was alright. But it began weighing on me... why the fuck do I not have a comics section on this webzine? I like comics. So I've decided to launch it with Venom himself... and I should warn you, I'm not going to touch superheroes very often. Like I said, I like comics... but God... I don't like super heroes. Very few. This Marvelmania that's going on in society right now? Not into it. I like dark comics. Not fags in spandex saving NPCs from themselves. Most people don't deserve saving, let's be honest.
I realize I'm being negative... but I'm negative.
We arrive in San Diego... not for comic con. That would be too meta.
In a dark alley, some guy is trying to rape a lady... or fuck a hooker without paying.
I'm not sure where the law sides on that one. Is it rape or is it burglary?
But then... from the dark...
Eminem starts rapping!
I'm just kidding. Venom appears.
AND THEN VENOM CHOKESLAMS HIM LIKE THE FUCKING UNDERTAKER.
THAT FUCKING RULES.
Venom then proceeds to squeeze his fucking neck until he vomits and dies.
I JUST STARTED READING THIS.
Why in the fuck are The Avengers so popular?
How many people get their necks squeezed so hard they vomit and die in their comics?
Fucking none, that's how many.
I wanna change the name of this comic to Venom: Whore Protector.
It's explained through Eddie Brock's internal dialogue that he and Venom realize that, even though Spider-Man ruined his life, in his own way he is protecting the innocents of New York. So they moved out to San Friegoscisco. Eddie's hometown. To save people elsewhere. Pretty rad.
But then... the cops spot Eddie! And he's wanted for having a dumb haircut!
But, as NWA said...
God damn it, Buster.
Yep. The paparazzi is hot on Venom's trail already. Fucking California.
...and worse? The news made it all the way to New York, where Peter Parker finds out.
Peter feels responsible for bringing Venom to Earth, saying that it's his creation. But what do? I dunno. Feel guilty and get Mary-Jane to fellate you or something.
It recaps Venom/Eddie's origin story, but if you watched Spider-Man 3 (or read the comic books) you already know it. So I'm just gonna gloss past it.
Peter's going to California, where Red Hot Chilli Peppers plays on loop.
Eddie and Venom are sad. They face the fear of homelessness, since they're wanted criminals. But while they're having their emo walk, they see a bunch of business men beating the shit out of some hobos, which happens all the time.
(No it doesn't.)
Venom fucks their shit up... right as Spider-Man shows up!
Fuck. He got there fast. I was under the impression this was the same day. How the fuck?
Oh, right. This was pre-9/11.
Spider-Man is a douche. Let's just call it right here. He's no hero! He doesn't even squeeze people's throats until vomit spews out. Those hobos were getting their penises kicked in and he stopped Venom from saving them! Like, what the fuck? You cock!
Rage Against the Machine starts blasting as the business men pull out machine guns and start launching bullets at both of them.
Spidey can't figure out why Venom isn't trying to kill him, but these chucklefucks in suits are.
As Venom tries to escape, the media covers his darting across America. He winds up in Portland, Oregon. Which isn't my hometown, but I grew up in Vancouver, Washington... which means we got all their TV and radio stations. So I feel like I grew up there even though I didn't.
The hobos invite Eddie into their underground sewer lair. They're like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, except smelly and homeless. Homeless people suck.
Then, randomly, "diggers" show up. They must have been sent by those Generic Evil Millionaire that was watching on the TV! Fiend!
This thing blasts a "Sound Shovel" at Venom and fucks his shit all up! And we get cliffhanger'd!
Yeah! We have to wait until the next issue! That's bullshit!