Date: March 15th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
At the File City Maid Cafe today, an old couple that comes in a lot gave me $20 as a belated Christmas gift... before the wife handed me a card and asked me to "come to her church." I awkwardly forced a smile and I said "I'll have to check it out."
No, I'm not going to. I'm a little too conscious and awake to join any cults, which I do consider Christianity to be one.
I'm not saying it shouldn't exist. Most humans natural instincts are to commit atrocities. They have to be told that they'll burn in Hell if they do bad shit because otherwise they have no natural code for their own behavior that tells them not to do it. Plus people are so entitled to happiness that they need to feel like they have golden roads awaiting for them where the son of the creator of the universe will slap them on the ass and nibble their neck for a while.
I have no problem with Jesus as a dude. I believe that he believed the stuff he was saying. I mean fuck, he was willing to die for it. But if I walk into a room and scream "I AM THE DAUGHTER OF JESUS." and then catch a shotgun blast to the chest, that doesn't actually make me the daughter of Jesus just because I got killed for spouting off some crazy shit to a bunch of crazier people.
The point is: Something about me triggers people to want to recruit me to their religion.
Seriously. This is the third time someone has tried to get me to come to their church and buy into their belief system. Whenever this happens and I talk about, my friend tells me "maybe it's because you look like Goth Chick Jesus."
"Sweatpants are a sin."
Some time ago I was given this in my tip jar:
Which was interesting in itself because they didn't give me any money with it. They were just straight up like "Jesus is the currency."
The big one I got was this little Jesus comic book promoting a local church. While I was coming by to clean up after this man and his family ate their dinner, he handed me this little booklet, looked me dead in the eyes and said "This is for you... and I mean it too." and left.
Let's take a look.
Look at this panicking fucker. The choice is easy, bitch. Do you want to go to Hell?
Well tough shit, cunt! You're already here!
Aw man. Ya blew it!
...that's not what I meant.
Wrong? How so, Jeeves?
Holy shit. The audacity of this fucking thing. Most people will be in Hell because they think like you. That is fucked up.
That's legitimately one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard and my mom once told me I was going to "burn in Hell" and it "wouldn't be funny like in Little Nicky."
Why does The Lord have no face? Is he Slenderman?
He became proud of himself so God kicked him out? God sounds like a dickhead.
So, according to these illustrations, because Adam and Eve were smelly... a small child will dump a bowl of food on his own head.
Thanks, Adam and Eve. You made my kid an asshole.
You know... I'm a little offended. This guy gave me this booklet. That means that for some reason he thought that I am some sinner destined to rot in Hell. Do I just have a look or something?
That's right. Without religion, this is you:
That's right. Don't believe a man in a suit who tells you a gorilla is your father, nor the street toughs who will beat your ass for disagreeing.
See, I was about to agree with the stance on greed being evil. Nobody ever says "That's enough money. I don't need anymore." But then you have to go and say some crazy shit like "Sports are the devil." Are you the mom from The Waterboy? Preaching that anti-foosball shit?
Can I get Vicki Vallencourt to come into my room and fuck my life up?
And boy did that go well.
Wait... If Jesus rose from the dead and defeated Satan "once and for all"... what the fuck was all that other shit you were going off about? If Satan is defeated, how is he still doing stuff? If Satan's defeated then I don't need to worry about going to Hell because he's no longer running it. He's defeated. Hell is over.
This booklet just contradicted itself.
This guy ain't havin' it.
Befriending Jesus only to gain something is a pretty shitty thing to do. You don't love Jesus. You're just using him to get to Heaven. You're a piece of shit.
Damn! Plot twist!
Well shit! I need to get my loved ones into Club Jesus ASAP!
But... that book wasn't written by Jesus... or God... it was just written by some dudes with social agendas and shit. That book isn't reliable at all. ICP's autobiography is more trustworthy than the bible. At least it was written by the actual dudes.
I find your blind faith to be entirely based in fear and selfishness.
Not only am I not going to accept Jesus Christ and have him forgive my sins, I'm going to commit all 7 deadly sins in a row right now to prove that I don't give a fuck.
I'm gonna eat all this shit right now.
Be right back. I'm gonna go watch WCW Greed on VHS.
I do that shit all day, every day son. I sloth like a bitch.
Oh that's easy. I'll just look at someone with big, fake fucking teeth.
I want those bullshit ones that are made out of coffee cup material.
Basically like porcelain. Like the stuff toilets are made of.
...as a matter of fact... Yeah! I basically want my mouth to become a toilet.
Wait... no. I fucked up again.
Is this where the bible says being gay is a sin? Because they have gay pride? Because I don't have gay pride. But I need to! I need to properly sin! So how do I accomplish this? Feel pride in liking women? That's not an accomplishment. Men are just repugnant and I don't like looking at them.
I feel like this got a little out of hand. The point is: people really want me to find Jesus... and I did! He's right here: