Gameboy Advance:

Elf Bowling

  • Date: December 21st, 2020

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Back in 1998, my grandma let me play Elf Bowling on her computer. She had the .exe on a green floppy disk. Or was it yellow? Fuck. I'm such a colorblind piece of shit.

I loved it. I love sassy bitch game mascots. Characters like Conker, Gex. They inspired me to become the zinger machine I am today.

But I've discovered something fascinating: Elf Bowling got a Gameboy Advance port.

Yeah! So you can have your elf bowling on the go!

This. Fucking. Rules.

The graphics aren't as good as the PC version, obviously. But who gives a fuck? Squint, you unimaginative piece of shit. It'll look normal if you let your eyelashes touch.

Gameplay wise, everything's still here. Elliot farts, you can kill the deer with a bowling ball. It fucking rules. God I love killing deer with bowling balls, both in video games and in my spare time.

It's really fun. Go to a hunting ground, get your license or whatever and just start yeeting bowling balls into the heads of the wild life.

It's a completely natural rush. You don't need drugs to have fun, kids.

Obviously I'm joking. I would never do physical labor.

That's for poor people.

(I'm poor people.)

The game also has the Elf Bowling sequel, which fucking sucks.

Seriously. What the fuck is this? It's called Elves Paradise. Do these arrogant fucks think they invented Christmas?

No. There's only one man who invented Christmas, and he died on the cross a long time ago.

His name is Santa Claus.

You're just sliding elves down an alley to see how far you can yeet them. It's fucking retarded.

It would be way better to go to the mall and actually assault one of Santa's elves. At least that's in 480p VR.

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