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A Tale of Two Coreys


Date: September 26th, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

My top three actors of all time are Christian Slater, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. They fucking rule. Every movie they're in is awesome, even when they suck.

That's what makes this movie so weird. It's about the two Coreys, but stars neither of them. The one problem that these "it's about the 80s" movies have is that Millennials have a very distinct look 99% of the time that is nothing like those of people in the 80s. This one didn't bother me so much as far as the casting went, I could suspend my disbelief. It wasn't as bad as the Saved By The Bell Lifetime movie (the whole cast looks like fucking lizards in that one.)


This is not what Screech looked like, you delusional fucktards.

Millennial Corey Haim sometimes nails Corey Haim's actual facial expressions. They don't really look alike but he's got the expressions down well enough. Millennial Corey Feldman looked like if his Goonies character had somehow swallowed human growth hormone. Like if a vampire bit the neck of a kid with down syndrome and sucked his chromosomes out.


Millennial Feldman's abusive cunt of a mom is pretty hot in this movie. I googled her actress but she doesn't dress 80s-style in real life so she's fucking pointless.

The actual story of this movie is fucking horrific, it's true and it's painful. I feel so fucking terrible for these two and everything they had to endure. Mainly because they had to jerk off dudes. Dudes are gross.

Except for fembois, but the world isn't made of strong women and femboys who only dress in latex and satin lingerie, so my whole idea for a perfect society hasn't really hit yet.


If you try to tell me that society wouldn't be better if every boy looked and presented like this, you're fucking lying to yourself.

Back to the movie. If all those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles commercials and propaganda didn't make you realize it, maybe a review of a TV movie will: don't do drugs. They'll fuck up your life.


Except for weed. Smoke weed every five minutes. The Ninja Turtles clearly smoke weed. That's why they eat so much pizza: they got the munchies.

Speaking of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Corey Feldman was the voice of Donatello. It all comes around.


Once they hit the "adults" portion of the movie, the roles switch as far as passability goes. Feldman's actor becomes the one who kinda looks like him sometimes if you squint really hard and Haim's actor becomes a Laguna Beach cast member. He looks like the dude who fucks your girlfriend, and then when you get pissed off he's like "bro... why are you so uptight, bro? She came onto me."

It was kind of weird watching them re-enact actual footage that exists of the actual two Coreys. The ending of the movie is awkward as fuck. Basically, Corey Haim got sober. And then while he's smiling at Feldman, Windows Movie Maker text appears on screen saying that he died of pneumonia in 2010.

I guess they didn't want to end a downer story on a downer note...

...even though that's how the real life story ended.

But this review has to end with a bang! I can't let it end like shit just because the movie did! So I'm going to shoot myself in the mouth.

...with a super soaker full of orange soda.


You ain't gettin' rid of me that easy, fuckers. I STILL GOT A LOT LEFT IN THE TANK.