Date: September 24th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
In the first day of this webzine's exsistence, I reviewed pretty much every Ninja Turtles VHS there was. In it, we saw the shittiest Casey Jones ever: Armpit Bob.
Normally I can't outright give you the way to watch a movie, due to the whole "legality" thing, but this one's actually available totally free on YouTube. Click here to watch it.
We open with Casey fucking a dude up on the hockey rink, while Puffy Tongue calls him a psychopath and says he's sick of his shit. His name is Sid and he's Casey's... uh... relative.
After some bickering, Casey winds up and smashes Sid in the face with his hockey stick and then gets mobbed by his teammates until his coach saves his ass.
He's told he's out of control and gets booted off the team, so he has a dramatic walk home where he tosses his hockey gear into a dumpster. Now the mutated rats that are growing in there can become pro hockey players. That would rule.
Casey catches some kid spraypainting on a wall, so Casey tackles him and starts spraypainting his face. I'm sure that's perfectly healthy. No health complications will arise from that. People only wear gas masks when doing graffiti, but whatever.
The design on the wall was a purple dragon, which is ominous because dragons are scary.
Casey knocks on the gate of an apartment complex, which causes the woman who lives in there to spray a line of diarrhea into her silky granny panties. It turns out she's Casey--- er, Arnold's--- mom. They catch up and she finds out that he beat the shit out of his cousin Sid, and she's like "go to the Jewish doctor." and he's like "nah bitch."
As Casey is outside trying to clean the purple dragon graffit, he's approached by The Purple Dragons! A gang! And that kid's with them! Fuck!
They start to threaten him, so he throws paint remover in their faces and gets beaten down with bats and clubs and spit on.
Dr. Girlfriend: They don't wanna kill him. They're not that kind of gang.
Nope, they're a bundle of pussies. Neatly wrapped in plastic like a bouquet of dildos.
So Casey, after a talk with his mother, starts training to become a serial ass kicking machine. He tells her he's going to "fix everything."
Now that he's put on about 10lbs of muscle, he's got a badass mask and a boner for April O'Neil. Shit's getting serious. Me? I was more into Irma.
I'm not the type of weirdo to be attracted to cartoon characters... but if I was... Irma could get it.
We get the immediate satisfaction of Casey Jones walking into the dark alley to confront the Purple Dragons and MURDER EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
It's totally kick ass. I love watching Casey fuck people up.
He meets the wrong turtle, they kick a shitload of ninja ass, Casey finds out Sid's an evil ninja, he pisses him off something ridiculous, Krang shows up and looks amazing... way better than the shitty turtle.
A woman that Casey saved gets interviewed by April, discussing everything that happened. That's why I always try to avoid crime. I don't want to be interviewed on TV. Cuts into my "eating pizza and playing Donkey Kong 64" time.
This movie rules but it's too short. In my opinion they should have cut out the turtle suit because it looked like shit and soaked up most of the budget. Krang looked great, they should have just had him be the villain and made this a full-length movie. Casey Jones is cooler than the Ninja Turtles and deserves to have his own franchise. I'm totally in favor of fucking bad people up with baseball bats. That's why I created the Burn Book, so I could verbally roast dickheads who deserve it. But I could never physically fight them. I'm a weakass. Not like Casey Jones, the coolest sociopath ever.