Date: March 29th, 2019
Written by: "The Braincracker" Majin Tween
Today... We're gonna talk about Creed!
No. Not that Creed. That Creed sucks.
I'm talking about the illegitimate baby movie with Michael (B.) Jordan, who is like Michael Jordan except he doesn't play basketball or baseball and he's got a B in his name.
He oughta change his name to Jordan Michaels.
Through a bit of research, we found out that Michael B. Jordan was named such in the height of Michael Jordan's fame. What a bunch of assholes. But it gets worse.
Michael B. Jordan's father is named Michael A. Jordan.
I shit you not.
In the sequel, Creed II, he winds up having a baby. So maybe art can imitate life and Michael B. Jordan can have a son named Michael C. Jordan.
And while we're on the topic: Since Creed II is about Apollo Creed's son, maybe Creed III should be about the baby that was born in Creed II.
I kind of want to call Michael B. Jordan "Creed II" from now on.
Also, it gets worse, because in addition to Michael B. Jordan being "Not THAT Michael Jordan", we also have this guy:
When I first started watching this movie, my best friend had put it on without telling me what it was. So the buildup to the title hit me like a right hook to the face. But I was immediately roped in. They got my attention.
So basically, Apollo Creed had an illegitimate child who was kept a secret from the media.
And no, it wasn't Consequences Creed.
The main story is about him wanting to become a boxer, but it also focuses on the fact that he is the illegitimate son of Apollo Creed. The media, once they found out about him, basically peed all over themselves and were like "wahhhh! Apollo Creed fucked a woman who wasn't his wife and made an illegitimate baby! Does this human being existing ruin the career of a man who we barely knew in the first place?"
What a fucking bite.
Look. Sometimes marriages aren't as happy as they seem. Sometimes there's groupies out there who want to get with a famous dude. Sometimes the groupies get pregnant, and sometimes those groupies decide not to alert the fucking media about their child because they don't feel like having the media take a collective piss in their baby's eyes.
The point is this. Apollo Creed made a mistake. He shouldn't have cheated on his wife. But his son isn't a mistake. He's an accident. A metaphysical "whoopsie-daisy."
That doesn't make him any less valuable than you, you fucking bitch.
You think you're better than Creed? Why? Because your dad isn't an iconic celebrity who cheated on his wife?
Well good for you. Go piss in a cup and drink it.
This is definitely a worthy sequel to the Rocky saga. The actual fight scenes are really well done. It really feels like I'm watching a boxing match, but it's like being there.