Date: June 11th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
"Today is a day for t r u t h."
Okay, you crunchy tongued whore. Here's the truth: this movie fucking sucks.
The Dark Knight is one of my favorite movies ever. Christian Bale is a great Batman and Heath Ledger was there too. But I, being a complete bitch, agreed to watch Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice knowing full well I wouldn't like it and would do nothing but shit on it the entire time.
I was right. This movie suuuuucks.
"I'm Batman." - Ben fucking Affleck of all people.
Bruce Wayne was a sad boy. His parents died [what a bite] and he's ugly. He's a stupid little ugly child with dead parents and nobody loves him.
The guy who killed his parents looks like Tommy Dreamer.
"I'll shoot 'em both, I'm hardcore!"
After the murder, Bruce is swarmed by radioactive bats and given radioactive bat powers.
Buildings are blowing up. Batfleck is pissed. A space ship ends up flying through buildings and makes 9/11 look like someone kicked over an ant hill.
Some dude's legs get crushed under a big metal thing. Looks like it felt like shit. But he probably deserved it. We don't know what he was doing in his spare time. He could have been a monster.
Bono shoots a bunch of people and then CGI men ride CGI horses in the CGI desert. It's totally not obviously CGI.
Batman's a fucking sociopath. He branded his bat symbol into a dude's chest. Like... fuck. That would be like if I carved a picture of Hannah Montana giving a peace sign onto a girl's ass.
Wait, now I have to watch Millennial Superman fuck the girl from Enchanted in a bathtub? Why? I don't need this shit.
I can't get over how crisp this movie is. I fucking hate HD. I can see people's pores. Everyone looks like they're made of grease.
Jennifer Aniston looks great for her age.
For some reason we have been given the smoldering, sexy Alfred we've all been waiting for.
Seriously. He looks like Alfred Downey Jr.
I don't really understand what's going on. Superman's butthurt about Batman branding extreme criminals with a bat symbol so people know to murder them in prison but like... why is that a bad thing? If you do something as amoral as that you deserve to be taken out. Human traffickers, child molesters, people who eat fast food. These are people who don't deserve to live.
I think at some point Mark Zuckerberg forgot he was playing Lex Luthor Jr. because he starts doing Joker-lite shit.
Batman also has a noticeable mole that is visible through his mask. So are we not understanding the point of a mask anymore? That's an identifiable thing that could easily be discovered and traced back to figure out who Batman is.
Wonder Woman is in this movie too, but Wonder Woman sucks so I don't give a fuck.
Apparently some woman cried on set upon seeing Wonder Woman because she's a fucking idiot.
Final Rating: 0.5 out of 5
Spoiler alert: Superman dies. This movie was so fucking boring.