Donut Man in Camp Harmony
Date: June 16th, 2019
Written by: Sister Majin Tween
There's a series of Christian VHS tapes for children about the Donut Man, who says "life without Jesus is like a donut because there's a hole in the center of your heart." He's so overly sincere that it borders on being insulting. He talks to children like they're retarded. Or he's retarded. I'm not sure.
Because he's The Donut Man (like Batman, except cooler.) he has a sidekick. A talking donut named Duncan. Duncan Donut. As it turns out, he has been selling merchandise on his website of this adorable little pastry. This includes t-shirts and a Duncan puppet... that happened to be on sale. I wasn't sure why, until the shirts and the puppet arrived at our house.
So cute! Right? Absolutely. I love him. But I was looking at the tag and I noticed that this puppet is from 1990.
Duncan, you have waited 27 years in a warehouse (or a man's house for all I know) just begging for a loving Christian child to buy you. Unfortunately you got a Buddhist grownup who likes weird VHS tapes to buy you instead. I hope it was worth it you adorable sack of shit.
But that's not all. I've got some shit to say about The Donut Man.
Rob Evans... The Donut Man... You say "life without Jesus is like a donut... because there's a hole in the middle of your heart?" But I think you're the one with a hole in your heart. You act as if Duncan is your buddy and you want to preach the good word of the lord. But you treat Duncan's home like dirty underwear on a hot afternoon.
Look how cute his box is. Small, pink. Adorable. Here it is like 20 years later.
What the fuck happened? Did you shit in the box and then fling it at a schoolbus? The fuck did you do to Duncan's house?
Oh by the way, he's not even a Christian anymore--- he's Catholic now. Not a big deal, right? No harm in changing your religion if you have a change of heart. Unless you're still hawking Christian media to Christian children as your career. There's no money in Catholic VHS tapes because in the Catholic religion, VCRs are a sin.
Look at this man and tell me he's not the Anti-Christ in the flesh. He gives me the fucking creeps.