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John Wick

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Date: March 21st, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

John Wick sucks. That's my review. The only good part about this atrocious waste of time was Green Goblin, The Pest and Kevin Nash being in it. Otherwise this movie was total balls.

I feel like I watched a YouTube video called "What If FPS's Were Real?" that had like 14 million views with the top comment being from an account with a Ugandan Knuckles avatar saying "first" with 300 upvotes and 46 replies, eventually ending in discussion about Donald Trump or Justin Bieber.

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This movie has a 7.3 on IMDB. Are you people fuckin' shitting me? Just because they killed a puppy and it made you sad and then the guy killed the people who made you frown doesn't mean it's a fucking 7. I don't give a shit how HD the cameras are or how many headshots they showed.This movie barely had a script. At one point I'm pretty sure there's an entire scene that's just re-enacting a level from the Blade game on Xbox.

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The "writing" of this movie is just people getting killed before someone walks up and whispers "...John Wick." and walks away.

Then this movie has the balls to show a guy playing a first person shooter, like this movie isn't basically a video of someone playing Saints Row 2 with the infinite ammo cheats on.

There's a fan theory that this movie is a prequel to The Matrix. I read that theory and it's basically just trying to explain why this movie has no plot and the acting sucks. "Well you see, it's actually Neo being half-woke and---" No it's not. It's just a guy shooting people for an hour and a half. No amount of randomly-making the lighting green is going to make this movie even 1% as good as The Matrix was.

My theory about this movie is that it sucks and they didn't give a shit.

Final Rating rating05
  • 0.5
  • I want to piss in a rubber glove, turn it inside out and slap each individual member of the production crew in the face with it. If you think this movie was good you deserve a knuckle-whip to your left testicle.

    Media hype made the mainstream believe this movie is good because most people will believe anything they're told. In a way, the people who made this movie are the Agents, people like me who realize it fucking sucks are Neo and the John Wick Hype Train is The Matrix. But were you paying attention to my review? Or were you watching the shitty action movie with the green filter?