License to Drive
Date: November 18, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
Oh. Sorry. I was passed out my desk, dreaming about smoking blunts with a hot girl and driving my car through flames and running over a fleet of small newborn babies. But then the bell rang and I remembered that I popped in my VHS copy of License to Drive. Maybe if the opening commercials hadn't taken six fucking weeks to finish I'd have been awake.
Driving rules. You can run over all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds. It's the most inclusive activity our society has to offer. But The Coreys don't have Licenses to Drive. That's why when Feldman's mom drops them off at the party, a guy drives by and inquires if their mother "holds their dick when they piss."
I don't have my license, but that's only because when I called and asked if James Avery would be my instructor they said he was dead.
But you know what? This movie's too good to mock. So I'm popping in Mr. Henry's Wild & Wacky Bible Stories #7.
This guy is a fucking horror. He is a human abomination. He wants so badly to have the charisma of Pee Wee Herman but he doesn't. He just talks fast and tries to get kids feeling zany and hyper about God.
I also just found out that Jay Jay the Jet Plane was about God. I watched that shit as a kid and don't remember that.
Mr. Henry says he's making angel food cake for his wife, but I'm not supposed to tell her because it's a surprise. But that's fucked up. This man of God is telling me to lie to his wife. Any time an older guy tells me to lie to his wife... eh, nevermind.
Bray Wyatt's Firefly Fun House was less disturbing than this. This dude's "Wacky World" is some sort of low-budget drug shack. You know how sets like Pee-Wee's Playhouse and The Weird Al Show had vibrant colors? This doesn't. It's just a sea of brown and grey fuck. Fuck this tape.
Mr. Henry is a fucking douchebag, but Corey Haim rules.