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Motocrossed

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Date: November 24th, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

9 years ago, a TSA agent was patting down a man with bladder cancer. Thomas Sawyer, who wears a urostomy bag, had the bag inadvertently broken during the mandatory TSA molestation which caused all of the day's urine to go spilling all over him. His reserve a quiet defense, riding out the day's events.

The river of piss soaked him, making him feel very sad, warm, wet and silly. But nobody cared. Those TSA agents really know how to take the piss.

But don't think the fun ends there. The other day a FedEx driver threw a package containing a large ceramic bowl, a Scrabble game, sixteen dildos and a Real Doll over a fence and the package landed on a dog. The puppy, named Lucky, was left in a pool of it's own blood while the FedEx driver probably got to smoke a joint and crank one out on the sidewalk just a moment later.

The family had the dog euthanized (which is a more kosher way to say "murdered.") and demands that FedEx drivers stop hurling packages over fences. But I think that's a ridiculous request. You can't just not throw packages over fences. Get real.

What does all of this have to do with the Disney Channel Original Movie "Motocrossed"?

Absolutely nothing. So let's get to the review.

While Dirtbike Dad is pushing his son way too far to achieve goals out of his reach, his daughter shows up with a trophy and is really proud of her accomplishments. So proud in fact that she needs to be knocked down a peg, so the father lambasts her for distracting her dirtbiking brother.

You know what she needs to feel better? A lesbian's haircut and a new set of life goals.

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drgirlfriend
Dr. Girlfriend: Is that the same girl that's on the cover? She looks different, but it might just be the haircut. She's got that chin dimple but a lot of girls in Hollywood have those.

Yeah. That's because Hollywood big wigs are always putting out their cigarettes on young actress's faces.

She decides to become an FTM and impersonates her brother, which confuses the employee at the store. She racks up a shitload of accomplishments, but it's nothing. You hear me? NOTHING. Her father don't give a spinning wheel fuck about his daughter's accomplishments.

This movie is just her trying to get away with impersonating a boy and her dad psychologically abusing her...

...and it rules.