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Our Lips Are Sealed


Date: October 28th, 2019

Written by: Majin Kangaroo

Whenever someone tries to tell me how popular The Osmonds were, I'm always like...


I really put this tape in because it's one of my favorite movies ever.

This is Our Lips Are Sealed, a movie that fills me with unimaginable joy.

Text appears on screen announcing the cast. It says "MARY-KATE OLSEN."

I wonder who the co-star's gonna be.



It's the first day of high school and the Parker Sisters are being praised for being the coolest bitches ever. Finally, some NPCs who know some bullshit.

Oh wait, this is just a DMT hallucination. Nevermind.

Nah. In this movie they're treated like total shit. But while they're talking about how self absorbed all those cunts are, they manage to stop a burglary by shooting ketchup at the masked man's left nipple. They lift his mask up and see a nasty ass zit, which is used in court to incriminate the used dildo thief.


Neil Hatchew is a criminal fuck, and he's also the uncle of the criminal in question.

Because of this, the FBI sends them into the witness protection program. But apparently the Parker sisters are blabbermouths.

They're sent to Texas and for some reason they're in like, a fourth grade class. Seriously. These kids are worthless. I could kick the shit out of all of them.

They accidentally out themselves as witness protection americans and get shipped to Seattle for what amounts to like 10 seconds of screen time.

They purposefully ditch the Amish country because there's no Gameboy Colors there. This then segues into them continually fucking every possible place up until they get shipped to Australia.

These disgusting Aussholes don't appreciate the Parker sisters yet, but luckily they're willing to eat vegemite and shit to gain their approval.


Kangaroos are like Digimon you can fuck.

The Hatchew calls in the only two relatives to do his dirty work for him and ships them off to Australia. They're gonna set the place on fire. Deal with it, marks.


The story is mostly about them dating these chuds who look like they're made of foot skin. The outfits in this movie are totally cute though.

Well, also the Soprano looking motherfuckers want the diamond that they've been wearing around their neck. The rest is just a bunch of fourth-wall breaking jokes.

I don't know what you expect me to say about this.

Australia is disgusting.