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Queen of the Damned


Film :: VHS Rewind :: Date: August 25th, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween


A vampire went into hibernation because he was lonely. Awww. But then he heard Limp Bizkit or whatever and was like "aw shit, this is pretty cool" and came out of his slumber.

So he decides to become a major rockstar, taunting his fellow vampires by putting vampire-secrets in the song lyrics. I do the same thing to elves on here. Did you know that elves incarnate in humanlike forms on Earth to eat salads and watch Lord of the Rings? That's what the internet tells me.

Lestat, who sings like Jonathan David Thomas from Korn Improvement also likes to lure 18 year old whores into his mansion, crank Static X and kill them like Bill Cosby.

What a dick.

This girl winds up reading Lestat's diary to get caught up on Lestat's Stats. Most of the origin story contradicts the events of Interview with the Vampire. But continuity is for pussies.


Aaliyah's in this movie too. It's so sad. First we had the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly. The Day the Music Died. Then we had the plane crash that killed Aaliyah. The day the generic, shitty, overplayed MTV spam skipped for half a second before they kept cranking it out with different people.


Nah but she was a nice lady.

...can we stick Beyonce in one of those planes next? She's getting too up her own ass for my tastes.

Some slut shows up and says "Lestat! I'm your biggest fan!"

Why be a gushing idiot like this? Just be cool, you fucking dweeb. No one respects someone who says you're their fan. If somebody walked up to me and said "I love your reviews of Nintendo 64 games" I would say "I don't give a fuck" and throw their ice cream cone on the ground. Because I'm real.


And I'm not a part of your SYSTEM.


Anne Rice, the author of the novel, said she hated this movie because it "mutiliated her work." I want to meet her so I can pee on her book and shove it up her ass.

In the end, Aaliyah ends up bursting into ashes. Which is another case of art imitating life.