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Young People Ask: How Can I Make Real Friends?

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Date: November 12th, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

After having a drug laced lingerie slumber party with two British lesbians, the only way to repent for my glorious life-shortening sins is to watch a VHS about Jehova's witnesses.

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This tape opens up with various weirdos saying stuff like "kids at our school have these little circles... and if you're not in their circle, you don't get to hang out with them."

Friends. These are called friends.

They start discussing their friendship with God, which reminds me of the hit Ice Cube song "Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It", in which the narrator lets us know that he and Allah are "down like cronies" and that "he is my homie."

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This whole tape is about Jehova. The man himself. This insane nerdy chick mentions that she often has a hard time discussing her religion with people because when people aren't DWJ (down with Jehova) she gets irate and starts screaming.

This one dude says that whenever he needs anything in the world... he can come to Jehova and ask for it.

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"Hey Jehova? Can I borrow like $5?"

Dr. Girlfriend: *chirp chirp, crickets, silence*

They show a guy named Francis from France. That's insane. What the fuck.

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It always makes me sad when people go from the extreme world of selling drugs and blowing strangers to organized religion. You don't have to join a cult just because you did something stupid in your past. But that's just me: the leader of the Slutty Drug Addicted Nuns Gang. (S-DANG)

We end up following this girl who goes through her high school life trying to convert everyone to the glory of Jehova, but all they care about is cock and fashion. As the Lord intended. But she can't handle it, so she has an emotional breakdown and tells her parents that some dude drove her out to a makeout point to try to shove his penis inside her repeatedly until he ejaculated.

The father flips out and screams at her, which would pretty much only guarantee that she's never going to tell this dude a fucking thing ever again.