Date: June 25th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
There's something about Road House's promotional material that makes me want to cross my arms for an extended period of time.
I've only ever been to a bar once. I was 7 and my aunt took me in to get some burgers. I didn't get plastered and nobody fucked me. It was a big waste of time. But bar life is how we kick off this amazing movie: Road House.
We open with a girl stabbing money and getting kicked out of her chair, which results in a bar fight. Luckily Patrick Fucking Swayze is here to fuck shit up with his chiseled stare. Well, until somebody stabs him in the arm and gets tricked into walking out of the bar peacefully. It's kind of a bizarre intro but everybody's clapping to The Jeff Healy Band so it's all good.
It's also amazing how Swayze no sold a knife to the arm. What a badass.
Everyone in this area just gets drunk and fights. It's incredible. Broken bottles, glass everywhere. It looks like a CZW event every night and nobody seems to really give a fuck.
This is just a testosterone filled story about people fucking and getting in fights. Even the nurse who helps "Mr. Dalton" is hot and probably wrapped her mouth around Swayze's balls in his trailer, sucking the scrotum salt off like a fucking pretzel.
Speaking of heterosexual intercourse, there's a lot of it in this movie. I hope you like tight, clenching man ass. You're gonna get a lot of it. Plus the post-sex "I'm totally naked and staring at the stars, cursing God for giving me balls that need draining" session.
Sex is disgusting. I hate it.
A bar shouldn't have this many problems. This shit is bonkers. Like, seriously. Look how this fucking movie ends.
It's a movie about a bar, for shit sake.