Date: March 15th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle franchise is enormous. They're still cranking out Ninja Turtle bullshit to this day, but it's not as hot as it was back in the 80s and 90s. But then again, everyone's dead inside these days and only give a fuck about problematic tweets and woke YouTubers or whatever.
Fuck my generation. I'm kicking it with the Turtles tonight.
There was one time in my life that I saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie in passing back in the late 90s. It was just on a TV as I was passing through someone else's room. I remember staring at it and being like "what the fuck?" but that was it. I had no idea how great this movie was.
The VHS came with a Pizza Hut coupon that I've heard is still valid because they will honor old coupons. Don't quote me on that. I'm not the bringer of facts. I'm not going to try it either because I want to keep my 90s Pizza Hut coupon.
It kicks off with criminal activities. A bunch of teenagers are picking people's pockets, stealing televisions, raping old ladies, standing on grass despite the signs that say "Do Not Walk On The Grass", peeing in solo cups and throwing them in children's faces, having non-liberal opinions and plenty of other crimes. It's abhorrent. Why are they doing it? For their fearless leader: Shredder.
Shredder is the ultimate badass. He's covered in copius amounts of steel and armor. If he has to piss it probably takes him like 30 minutes just to get all that shit off.
In this crime filled city, a news reporter named April O'Neil gets jumped and mugged by street toughs. But she's saved by the Ninja Turtles...
...but not after making a racist comment at the ninjas!
"Am I late on my Sony payment or something?"
Damn. Can you say "April O'Neil is cancelled party"? You can't just make a joke about people who are trying to rob you. In fact, you now have to give them money because you hurt their feelings. Shame on you, whitey.
Raphael, who has a stick lodged up his ass at all times, decides to go for a walk and winds up meeting Casey Jones: a disgruntled hockey player who beats the fuck out of people for commiting crimes. If he saw my mp3 collection he'd probably beat me to death with a golf club. Corporate stooge.
He gets into a brawl with Raphael and accuses him of being a "punker in green makeup and a mask." I mean, if you think that a human being could possibly look like a Ninja Turtle facially then you're basically agreeing that it's cool to beat the shit out of a deformed person. So fuck Casey Jones.
Long story short, this leads Casey Jones to become allied with the Ninja Turtles. Most of this movie is just pizza jokes and martial arts fights. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I love snacks and violence.
Shredder winds up kidnapping Splinter, the elderly mouse who spanks the Turtles when they get out of line. So they go on a mission to rescue him and find him locked up in a BDSM sex dungeon with nipple clamps and jumper cables attached to his balls.
What's the problem? Some people pay good money for that.
Obviously, there's a final battle between Shredder and the Turtles. It's resolved when Shredder is thrown into a garbage truck. Casey Jones pulls a lever, crushes him to death and just says "whoops."
That's fucking sadistic as shit. I love it.
The biggest drama of this entire production is that Judith Hoag (who plays April O'Neil) and Jim Henson (whose team designed the amazing Turtle costumes) opposed how violent the movie was. Their complaints are similar to mine... sort of. Where they thought the first movie was far too violent, I felt that the sequels weren't violent enough.
The production of this movie was a nightmare. They had to drain puddles of sweat out of the costumes. One dude had claustrophobia and had to take the turtle head off after every scene. Some people got injured and had to be replaced. It was brutal, but it was worth it because this is one of the all-time great movies... and I don't value their lives whatsoever. My entertainment matters more.
Secret of the Ooze
The second movie, Secret of the Ooze, features Ernie Reyes Jr. of the amazing movie that I love called Surf Ninjas. He's introduced by grossly hitting on a girl, getting rejected and then calling her fat.
I love this man.
He helps fight off burglers with the Ninja Turtles but they reject him and call him an asshole. (Well, not in so many words. But it was implied.) The fights have gotten way more comical. It's slapstick and cartoony. April O'Neil isn't even played by the same person.
Shredder winds up returning from the dead, scarred and beat to shit. After kidnapping a scientist, breaking into a Vanilla Ice concert and turning two different animals into big child-brained monsters, Shredder winds up overdosing on the ooze and becoming Kevin Nash.
He dies when a bunch of wood gets dropped on him... because somehow that's more devastating to a mutated giant (which he has become) than to crush a normal, mortal man in a garbage compactor.
The third movie is so awful that I'm not even going to review it. I have nothing to say about it. It's fucking stupid. There's time travel elements, they end up running into Casey Jones past-life version where he's a total cock. There's babysitting. I don't know. Fuck it. I want to talk about something better. Something awesome! The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Concert and Music Video tapes!
You can't just watch one of them either. You have to watch Turtle Tunes, We Wish You a Turtle Christmas, The Making of the Coming Out of Their Shells Tour, The Coming Out of Their Shells Tour and then Gettin' Down in Your Town in that exact order.
They interview a bunch of music execs who talk about how they had to create 3 string guitars for the Turtles stupid hands, as well as what it was like seeing the Turtles in studio recording these songs. According to the turtles, Splinter actually approves of the music and "prefers it to the ninja stuff."
"It's hard to say 'no' to a turtle."
During the interviews, Donatello says "Most people didn't even know we were real!"
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are fucking real.
When the concert tapes kick off, they're pretty legendary. It's just the Turtles on stage, poorly lip synching to some pre-recorded music. Unfortunately, mid-concert, Shredder shows up and delivers a monologue about how much he hates music! Baxter Stockman is there. He doesn't really do anything but he's fucking there, dammit!
Unfortunately, mid-concert, Shredder shows up and sings a song about how much he hates music.
That's like getting your dick sucked by an asexual.
Shredder's big plan is to steal all the music to make sure that it no longer exists. I look at my Hannah Montana CDs and I cringe in horror. This cannot stand!
What's odd is after all the drama unfolds of Shredder trying to steal the music, he ends up cutting pro wrestling promos on the children in attendance. It's honestly fucking awesome. He ripped these kids in half verbally, called them fucking losers and even accused one kid of fucking his sister. Then they drop records into a wood chipper and launch the dust into the crowd.
In the end, the Ninja Turtles save the music and have a weird orgy.
All in all, I LOVE these tapes. They're totally untrue to the characters--- and that's like 95% of the charm. God bless the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.