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The Terminator

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Film ยป VHS Rewind :: Date: May 29th, 2019

Written by: Raccoon

I should say that I saw Terminator 2 before I saw Terminator 1. It was several years ago, and uncharacteristically my original watching of it was on blu-ray and not VHS. I know, I'm a piece of shit. But the reason was we were given Terminator 2 on blu-ray as a gift so we put it in our PlayStation 3 and watched it. We didn't have the tape yet. That being said, it's been a while since I watched it and we're watching both. (Mainly because we bought the two-tape Terminator 1 and 2 combo VHS at the store today.)

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The movie kicks off with Arnold being naked and killing a bunch of punks. That's a fair way to start a movie. Arnold's stupid dingleberry just intimidating everyone.

I guarantee Arnold's flaccid penis makes your hard cock look like a popped balloon.

Then he goes to the gun store and picks out a bunch of horrid shit to shoot people with. The gun store guy goes "There's a 15 day waiting period for the handguns, but you can take the rifles now."

...Why is that how it works? What a fucking broken system.

lindahamilton

Then the dude gets shot anyway. That sucks. It's hard to believe a man in a building full of guns and bullets would be killed by a gun loaded with bullets.

The news report says that a bunch of girls named Sarah Connor keep getting murdered, which causes major paranoia in another girl named Sarah Connor who overheard it. Long story short, she ends up exposing herself to The Terminator because she calls a phone that he's standing right next to. Rough.

After being rescued by a guy named Kyle Reese (creator of the peanut butter cup), he explains that she's gonna have sex (with a guy for some reason) and then have a baby, and that baby will grow up to be an asshole who teaches other people to be assholes in order to win a war. That's why The Terminator is here. He's a cyborg with human skin and pubes who wants to destroy the woman who gave birth to the dude who wins the war for the humans.

Sarah Connor, who has been confronted with enough proof to blindly believe Reese, decides to be a dumbass and not believe him. She tries to leave the car but he stops her, so she bites his hand and he's like "listen you dumb bitch. Just believe me." She's like "oh ok."

Reese ends up putting his entire penis inside Sarah Connor and having a sex, which results in a cum. That's right. He time traveled to save a woman whose son he met, fucked her, impregnated her with the son who wouldn't have existed had he not traveled back in time.

Awesome.

The deaths in this movie are fucking brutal. Beautifully so. You feel them intensely. Every smack, crunch and squish. I feel like there should be a Perfect Dark mod based on the Terminator. It would be pretty cool.

Final Rating rating30
  • 3.5
  • In my opinion, the second movie is way better.

    Terminator 2 opens up with Arnold being naked again. This time he seems much smoother. He's got that Hollywood skin care regimine.

    He tells a biker that he needs his clothes, his underwear, his socks and his motorcycle. The biker ain't havin' it. The biker tries to put out a cigarette on his pectoral muscles. So Arnold fucks him up, throws him on a fryer and then the biker makes motions like a cat pawing at a blanket it's about to lie down on... except it's a scaldingly hot fryer, so it's way less cute.

    t2motorcycle

    So yeah. This time around, the Terminator is a babyface. And it's way more charming this time. Babyface Terminator rules.

    But somewhere else, there's another in-shape naked man running around. He must be a Terminator too! Either that or a nudist. But considering this movie isn't called The Nudinator: Penis Day I'm assuming that's not the case.

    So Little Johnny Connor gets chased for a while by Chiseljaw McCoppycop.

    Holy fuck.

    But understandably, John doesn't give a fuck about these two white trash wastes of flesh and they just carry on. They end up doing a rescue mission on Sarah Connor (who's in a mental asylum for speaking the truth.) Guys get their knees shot out, they get stabbed by liquid metal arm swords by their carbon copies. It's all brutal as shit.

    t2blueroom

    But they rescue Sarah Connor, who goes on to have a horrific nightmare where the world is engulfed in flames and she burns alive while screaming in horrific agony.

    sarahconnerfire

    Yikes. Lay off the caffeine before bed, lady.

    Final Rating rating40
  • 4.0
  • After flipping out about said nightmare, she bursts into some poor man's house and shoots him in the shoulder in front of his wife and son. A bit uncessary but that's what women do. But it's okay because she breaks down and starts freaking out and he's like "it's ok lol" and then he joins up with her to go kick some liquid metal ass.

    The ending makes me sad because John doesn't want his robot friend to kill himself. That's really sad. Even sadder that the robot doesn't give a shit about his own death. That's pretty metal. (well, he is made of metal.) I'm buzzed. This movie rules.

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