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The Matrix


Date: November 30th, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween


This is one of my favorite movies of all time. The Matrix.


That's right, fuckstick. Green code, computers and vinyl clothes. It's everything I want society to be.

The dialogue in the beginning of this movie really is like when corporations spy on you through your smart phone: there's a lady with a crush on you, and Doc from Eddie and the Cruisers ain't too thrilled about it.


The cops have arrived at a building where a woman named Trinity is using the computer. She's probably looking at lolis. But then a bunch of stone faced chucklefucks in suits are like "gtfo." but the cops decide they're willing to get shot in the chest nipples. Their game, I guess.

Trinity escapes from the Suit Boys, but they already know that Trinity is on the hunt for a man named Neo.

Sounds like a fucking Nazi to me.

Wake up, Neo... The Matrix has your testicles, balls, cock and dick.

Some hoodlums show up to buy floppy disks for $2,000. It must be more of that loli content that Trinity was after.

So Trinity manipulates Neo into going to a BDSM club. He was hesitant because he's afraid of a good time. But he gets there, and she says "dude the Matrix." and he's like "what's the Matrix?" and she's like "brb I gotta take a shit."

He wakes up, goes to work and gets a phone call on a PRIVATIZED CELL PHONE.


Fuck yeah cellular phones.

Now it's Metal Gear Neo: he's got to sneak around the office like me trying to get chocolate chip cookies out of my kitchen while my grandparents are asleep. The Agents are looking for Neo and they have a solid steel dildo that shoots hot coffee cum and they're ready to penetrate his hairy butthole.

Neo fucks up, hestitates, drops the phone, shits his pants, remembers the Alamo and is trapped in the custody of the Agents. They explain that they don't like Morpheus (probably because they're racist) and that they want Mr. Neo Anderson to join them for their weird Macbook orgies.

The Matrix is basically a computer simulation of life that we all live in. It's like The Sims, except less realistic.

I like that Trinity and her friends have control over The Matrix and use it to make lightning go off at the perfect conversational points to make it more dramatic. I envy that power.

The awakening process seems like a bummer. You're naked, bald, screaming, covered in a gelatin like substance. A typical Friday night for me. But they have to rebuild your muscles with surgery and all kinds of shit. What's worse? They don't have pineapple soda in the real world. Fucking gay. Send me back.

They can download knowledge. It's like learning except awesome. But this movie also taught me a valuable lesson about Deja Vu: don't trust that shit. It's the government trying to teach you into believing frozen yogurt is an acceptable ice cream replacement.

Wake up, shithead. It's not.