Written by: Majin Tween
You ever walk through a desert aimlessly, trying to get to California?
If you said "no", you're a fucking fool.
That's how we kick off with The Wizard, a movie my mom originally told me not to watch because "it's not about Mario." Like I'm some kind of dumb fuck who can't like a good movie with a plot.
Anyway. A cop finds Jimmy Woods, a traumatized child, aimlessly walking down a road trying to find California. But don't worry, he's sure to invalidate his dreams and haul him back to the wacky shack.
Jimmy's brothers and father have a meltdown at their house because they're going to put Jimmy in a home. Personally, I would have tied cinderblocks to his legs and threw him into a river. That would be ironic, since that's where his twin sister died.
Yep! This kid's all kinds of fucked up because his dumb sister drowned in a river, but luckily his brother Corey helps him escape in an ice cream truck and head to California! During their travels, they discover that Jimmy can play Ninja Gaiden without dying. He's basically God.
This becomes a wild goose chase. A bounty hunter is looking for this kid. Christian Fucking Slater and Beau Bridges are looking for him. But they run into a girl named Halie who loses at Ninja Gaiden because she sucks.
They start traveling to places with arcade cabinets and getting people to underestimate Jimmy, bet money that they can kick his ass at video games and then eat the biggest pile of shit ever.
They find out about the man. The myth. The legend. The pedophile. Lucas. The kid who fingers children with a power glove. He's a real piece of shit. But he's good at Rad Racer.
(Seriously. Look it up. Dude's a monster. In real life.)
The one thing that's really baffling to me is that Corey for some reason thinks that discovering that Jimmy knows how to play Ninja Gaiden and other NES classics that this should somehow cure his autism. It's fucking stupid.
They travel to Reno, where Halie is from, where they find a casino with arcade cabinets in it... and for some reason there's a 9 year old cigarette girl serving drinks and snacks.
My goal is to become rich enough to have a 9 year old cigarette girl bring me meatball sandwiches. That's how you know you've made it.
After a while, the bounty hunter successfully hunts down the kids... only for Halie to scream "he touched my breast!" and get him arrested with a handful of boy meat.
Why is there so much pedophilia in this movie? Both on the actual tape AND in the script. I know everyone in Hollywood is a pedophile but for the love of brown mustard on Jared Fogle's dick. Tone it down a bit.
In the end, they wind up competing in an arcade competition called Video Armageddon. The game? Super Mario Bros. 3. A game that, despite nobody having heard of until now, Halie knows all the secrets and is screaming them at Jimmy.
I think she works for Nintendo.