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Venom

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Date: September 22nd, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

When I started Millennial Movie Madness, I knew this wouldn't be a feature that updated very often. It's of a generation of movies I hate, so why would I subject myself to that? I'm not like Nostalgia Critic. I don't want to partake in things I don't enjoy. Often times, even if I'm being mean to it, I review stuff because I like it to a certain extent. So, I want to find a modern movie I like. Creed was only okay, John Wick was horrible, Dawn of Justice was fucking atrocious. I don't want this section to be The Angry Movie Whore text-mode, you know? So I'm watching a movie I feel like I really could like. Venom.

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It opens like Men in Black, then kinda segues into Spaceballs with a space ship flying through the sky and some guy saying the shit word.

The CIA takes a moment from listening to you talking about woke memes through your iPhone microphone to find out what's going on with an alien symbiote leak that occurred after the space ship crash. They lost one of their black goo blobs or whatever and some Jamaican lady is pissed.

An ambulance picks up an injured astronaut, who then gets possessed by the symbiote and rips her face off. He possesses this lady, heals her scuffed up knees and walks away holding part of the dude's astronaut uniform.

You know, when I was a kid I got my palms sliced open from a lawn chair closing while I was sitting in it. I could have really used some symbiote juice because I still have the scars on my palms.

Then we meet Eddie Brock, who this time isn't played by the kid from That 70s Show. Disappointing, but whatever.

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He's being a sleepy goose and getting beat up with pillows by his uh... mom? Wife? Grandmother? Can't tell. But he said the shit word too, so this movie is setting up to be pretty edgy. I'm in.

Oh, she's his future wife. Got it.

Then it plays some awful autotuned music and Eddie rides a motorcycle fast. Back in my day we rode motorcycles to Limp Bizkit.

Eddie's a news anchor, talking about gay parades and murders.

Eddie is shown having several interactions with various minorities, so we know he's not some kind of racist who needs to be cancelled. Thank God.

During an intimate conversation that is seemingly going to end in The Fuck, we find out that Eddie Brock was "run out of New York." They ride home on a motorcycle, start peeling each other's clothes off and proceed to Heterosex on the bed.

Eddie, being a toxic cunt, decides to start reading her email because her latop was left open and he knows the password. I bet it's IAmAStraightWomanAndLikeToLickMaleArmpitHair43.

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Eddie gets to interview a big time science boy, who he quickly starts accusing of using humans for illegal testing that kills them. Security flips shit, he's escorted out and his life is threatened by Asshole Man.

Suddenly, he loses everything. In the blink of an eye. He gets fired, his fiance leaves him, he gets diarrhea, he loses his copy of Mario Party Advance. Shit is going sour.

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Really zour!

The guy, his name is Carlton Drake, is apparently behind the search for the Symbiotes. But the one that got away, still possessing the EMT lady, is marching through the street, slaughtering people for their sushi. It's intense and disgusting. Not the murders, I mean eating fish.

Carlton Drake is a dickhead. He's testing the symbiotes bonding stuff on rabbits, which is just gonna turn the fucker into Bunnicula if you don't watch your ass.

Eddie gives $20 to a homeless lady and doesn't even make her suck his dick. What a guy!

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This adorable Chinese lady gets mugged by some meaty dickhead. If I was there I would have... uh... well, I wouldn't have done anything because I'm 140 pounds of dogshit but I'd have given her a hug or something.

Based on that lady's advice, Eddie starts meditating... to rock music and punching a pillow. That's the way to do it.

Chandler Weezy starts the human testing, and winds up killing some dude who looks like a meth'd out Jesus. He doesn't really give a shit and neither do I.

The scientist girl approaches Eddie and begs for his help because he had the balls to stand up to Chandler, but because of the whole "he ruined my life" thing he's like "I'll be taking the Fuck That train to Nopesville" and peaces out.

However, getting cucked out by his ex-fiance makes him decide to help this Dora bitch with her "people are being murdered" thing.

Eddie gets scooted away into a room that looks suspiciously like the Spider Room in the Amazing Spider-Man movie while Dora distracts a security guard with her mediocrity.

As Eddie invades, he finds the homeless lady locked away inside a research chamber with a symbiote in her cunt. He destroys the glass with a fire extinguisher and pulls her out, only to get strangled by her. Kinky. But she seemingly dies and a symbiote latches onto Eddie's throat.

Eddie is chased out by security, and is showing all kinds of signs of having supernatural abilities. He can jump off walls, burst through fences, watch John Wick without vomiting. He's indestructable.

As he bursts into his apartment after escpaing these narcs, he pours a bottle of beer into his face, chugs an entire glass of water, eats a shitload of frozen tater tots, and more. Eddie then vomits like a mad cunt and hears the voice of Venom, which promptly makes him shit his pants and pass out.

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After climbing into the lobster tank at a restaruant, Eddie ends up in the hospital.

You know, I relate to this movie. Not just because I've had several symbiotes live in my brain and take over my entire being throughout my life and make me do terrible things, but because I too get sweaty in social situations.

Eddie and Venom are being chased by the gubmint, and video footage is being send to Carlton Drake. It's pretty intense.

Venom actually looks pretty cool in the movie. The CGI was better in Spider-Man 3, but the overall design is better here.

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I'm really loving the relationship of Eddie and Venom. It's really charming and adorable. I'm almost jealous. I want a symbiote. The fuck.

Venom hates the word parasite. It's like his N word. The doctor and Eddie's ex both are trying to say that Venom is killing Eddie, but that ain't true, mothafucka!

Venom is also easily triggered by sharp noises and fire. He's basically Autistic.

Remember the Weird Al horoscope about getting a javelin thrown through your chest? That actually happens to Eddie, he fucking dies and is told by Riot that "he is nothing." Fucking vicious. Jesus Christ.

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Venom rebonds with him, launches up into the space ship that Riot is lifting off in, Chandler Drake gets killed, the robber from earlier gets his face eaten, Stan Lee is Marvel's Happy Mask Salesman, Eminem's song Venom is almost good but the chorus sucks... oh, and we're gonna get Woody Harrelson as Carnage in the next movie. Fucking sweet.

This movie got a really bad rep, and I really went into it wanting to hate it. I know I said I didn't, but I did. I'm a liar. But I actually loved it. This was a great movie. I totally recommend it. Forget the negative reviews, critics don't know shit. This movie is pretty cool. Not amazing, but good.