Date: October 28th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
How it feels to chew Five gum.
Wishmaster is one of my favorite horror movies ever. It's got a great premise and is, in a lot of ways, a celebration of horror in itself.
This movie is about the Djinn, an evil creature who grants wishes and fucks people's shit up. It's a fucked premise for an existence but it's totally rad.
Freddy Kreuger a very rich man is frothing at the tip to get the ancient statue that houses the Djinn's soul. But some construction dick accidentally drops the crate on top of a dude, kills him, it shatters everywhere and then everyone's like "ah geez."
Seriously. NOBODY gives a fuck that this dude is dead. It's brutal. And then some dickhead steals the gem from inside the statue. In the words of Bubsy, "what could possibly go wrong?"
We catch up with a Heterosexual Tennis Lady who's having heterosexual dating problems. I don't give an asexual fuck, personally.
The red gem winds up in her hands, and when she blows on it a bunch of red graphics flash on screen signifying that evil has gotten morning wood.
The Djinn sets people up with questions. Like, a guy walks in on him cutting off a dude's face, the Djinn asks if this is "something he'd rather not see", the guy, instead of running away, nods and goes "yeah."
Who the fuck has gentle correspondence with a monster ripping off a dude's face? You run the fuck away from that shit.
The guy's eyes get stitched shut and the Djinn wears a guy's face like a mask, turning him into a man who's somehow more disturbing than homeboy's original form.
This really hot girl wants to suck the wishes out of the Djinn's pockmarked penis. She ends up getting turned into one of those "hot" mannequins that Dane Cook wants to fuck.
Then the Djinn winds up in a police station, granting the wish of a cop that "just wishes it was easy and he could nail a prick for murder." Bam, guy grabs a gun and starts shooting everyone. He even ripped a motherfucker's jaw off with his bare hand. It was like Mortal Kombat.
That pretty much sums it up. You just gotta outsmart this motherfucker and get him to retrap himself in the gem so you can go back to watching Who's The Boss reruns and eating lime rice.
The sequel, appropriately titled "Wishmaster 2", kicks off with museum robbers getting busted for committing crimes. One of the robbers is Corey Haim wearing a mask, which is awesome because Corey Haim is the shit.
Goth girl's boyfriend Hal Sparks gets shot in the stomach by a security guard and bleeds out on the floor while the Djinn emerges from his slumber. This is why I don't wear jewelry. You never know when an evil genie demon will be in your necklace.
Of course, the dude makes the stupid comment that he "wishes he was never born."
A police officer tells the Djinn to "Freeze!", which somehow grants the Djinn permission to turn this fucker into an ice cube, even though he's only supposed to be able to harm people by manipulating their wishes. "Freeze" isn't a wish. It's an order.
During the investigation of the dead security guards, Nathaniel the Djinn totally fucks with the dude and makes him freak out and accuse him of being gay. A lofty accusation.
While in jail, one of the criminals wishes to "walk right through the bars of the cell and walk out of the prison." He gets pushed, quite literally, through the bars so hard that his entire body crunches into a ball and hits the floor in a bloody heap. The wish was inaccurately granted because he didn't get to walk out of the cell. That's some bullshit.
The girl discovers that the only way to stop the Djinn is to become a virgin again, so she cuts off her own finger and goes to church. That fixes it all right up.