This may surprise some of you out there, but not everyone is obsessed with humanRaCcoOn. In fact, some people take one look at the homepage, say "cringe" to themselves and then go jerk off to pictures of men kissing each other.
But see, there's pressure put on me to somehow prove that all this Y2K-centric business I've built this brand on is ironic. That it's all just a bunch of wacky sillyness. But it's not. I'm genuinely like this, this is the type of stuff I like. Why shouldn't an alternative exist for people who want this era of web back? I mean if you don't like it you could go fuck yourself. That's always an option.
Anyway. I've got to prove how cringe I'm not. How? By making a top 5 list for furry characters.
Now look, folks. This growing entertainment juggernaut being called "Human Raccoon" has made some people, at a first glance, assume that I'm some kind of a furry. Those who have deep-dived into the lore of this sacred golden realm know that it's not the case, but since we now have Filter: Top Fives as a feature here on the webzine portion of the site, I thought it would be fun to do the ol' OJ Simpson "If I Did It" scenario with my Top 5 anthropomorphic animals.
Now, the disclaimer. I am not a furry. I don't ride like that. I like human beings, not cartoons of animals made to look like people. Not my gimmick, not about that life... but if I were, these are the five animal wives I'd have in my harem. That I would never have. Because I am not a furry. This is just a laugh to have with the audience.
Let's start the rankings.
#5: Candy Kong
Alright, folks. Like I said, I'm not a furry. So it's only appropriate to me that we start with a monkey. Because human beings evolved from monkeys, so it's basically like a regular ugly lady who doesn't shave her legs. I guess Candy Kong should be on Twitter screaming about Donald Trump or whatever.
I mean, Rare knew what they were doing. They gave this bitch jugs the size of a grown man's hands. She's a banana toting bimbo and you know what? I love it. Fuck it. Well I mean don't fuck it. It's a monkey. She's a monkey. Sorry. I sound ignorant. Don't fuck monkeys. That's what a furry would do. Don't be a furry. Look at human ladies.
In Konkey Dong 64, she hooks the Kongs up with musical instruments that they can play and rock out with, which is ironic since she'll toot on your skin flute too.
...God, that was gross. I'm sorry.
Berri is a chipmunk, which is why she likes to stuff her mouth full of nuts.
Now folks, I must reiterate that I'm not a furry. But they got this bitch dressing up like Trinity in The Matrix. I mean, that's the dopest shit ever. And both of them die in their respective franchises! And end up coming back! See, in the trailer for the new Matrix movie, Trinity is back! And if you play Conker Live and Reloaded on Xbox, Berri is back!
It's a remaster of the original game. She dies in that one too.
Spoilers, man! Christ!
That would be a cool name for a guy. Spoilers Manchrist.
Berri has a good attitude. I like her spunk. Dare I say... she's spunky with a can-do attitude?
Yes. I dare. I said it. Fuck you.
Listen, folks. I'm not a furry or anything. Not my style.
But I am a big Digimon fan, and my motif is yellow, so I would be morally reprehensible if I didn't include Renamon.
I like Digimon Tamers. It's fun. It's got the best rendition of the OG Digimon theme song, and---
No. Fuck you. Butterfly is not as good of a theme song as the American one. Yeah. I said it.
And for that matter? Digimon The Movie, the American version, is the greatest animated film of all time. Suck six dicks. I don't give a shit.
What was my point? Oh yeah. Renamon looks like the Keaton that quizzes you in Majora's Mask.
Uh... finding a boyfriend of legal age?
Yes, they look similar but they're different characters.
But I don't want to kiss either of them on the mouth because I am not a furry. I never fucked my cat.
Now folks, I never got into Star Fox for the most part. I realize it has cute anthropomorphic animals in it, but I'm not a furry so that's not really my bag. Also the games are really hard and they intimidate me, and I prefer not to cry while clutching my N64 controller.
Now I don't know how this whole "fox with boobs" things works, as I'm not a furry, folks. It's not my thing. Don't know thing one about it. But if I were, I guess she would make a good wife. But I wouldn't know anything about that because I'm not a furry.
Nekazalawary piddlydootfah Krazoa Palace.
Alright. Listen, folks.
Those of you who were around for my Animal Crossing blog back in the day know that Ankha is my favorite Animal Crossing villager. Not in a furry way. I'm not a furry, folks. Don't know thing one about it. Never cared for that lifestyle. But this bitch kept me playing City Folk and New Leaf for long after I stopped giving a shit about Animal Crossing. In fact, you could say I'm a big fan of our Egyptian cat queen.
I don't know why the plushie looks like it's CGI. It's just a stuffed animal. Fuckin' camcorder.
Anyway. I know some people have taken to making sexually explicit material with Ankha in it, but I don't go for that because I'm not a furry. I just like Egypt. And cats. And sassy little bitches who don't give a shit what you think, which Ankha fits the bill of purrrfectly.
Anyway. I think Ankha is the cat's pajamas, and the best talking animal of all time. I would be her friend if she were real.
How close are we to furry chobits? Haha not that I'd get one. Just asking.
...what about tulpas? Is that a real thing or is it just some commie gobbledygook?
Haha. We have fun here on humanRaCcoOn.
Anyway. I'm gonna go look at human women naked on the computer because I'm not a furry.