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Castlevania

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Date: January 31st, 2020

Written by: Majin Tween

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When people hear that my name is Sarah Belmont, I'm inevitably always asked when I'm going to fistfuck Dracula...

...but the joke's on them, because I beat this game forever ago, shitheads. I'm elbow deep in Drac ass.

So here's the story... Dracula's a douchebag. He's got a big castle full of monsters and shit and he wants to like... uh... I don't actually know. Probably something about drinking people's blood or being really gay. It's not clear and I'm not reading the booklet because reading is for dweebs.

You walk through, you whip candles, you pick up slabs of beef and you shove that shit in your mouth like it's the cure to heterosexuality.

The first boss you fight is a vampire bat, but if you channel your inner Ozzy you can bite it's head off and spit it into your ex-wife's face.

There's a Madusa Head boss, but it's weird that you can stare at her without turning into stone. Maybe it's Madusa from WCW, although dialoge boxes don't seem to pop up screeching about feminism so I'm not so sure.

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From Frankenstein to Jared Fogle, it's all the monsters you know and love up until you get to Dracula... who looks like Madonna's arm.

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All in all, Castlevania is one of the best NES games ever because it lets you whip people like a dominatrix. Play it on a real NES and throw your Nintendo Switch in the dumpster you fucking moron.

Final Verdict

Control rating40
  • 4.0
  • Graphics rating50
  • 5.0
  • Sound rating50
  • 5.0
  • Fun Factor rating50
  • 5.0