Date: August 26th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
Back in the days when I was a teenager, before I had status and before I had a pager, I was pretty out of touch. This whole mid-2000s business was starting to get away from me. I was totally isolated from society and I only got to use the internet a few hours a week, which I pretty much used to visit fan sites for N64 games and log into message boards. I wasn't exactly hip to CGI frogs with drooping testicles. But outside of my scope of consciousness was a movement.
If only that movement had taken place in a pair of fucking underwear. Jesus Christ.
So randomly in like 2009, my mom bought me Crazy Frog Arcade Racer for PS2 because it was like three bucks or whatever and it made her feel like she was doing her job as a mother for some reason. So I got to play this abortion of a game.
Despite this game being broken and shitty, I did play it religiously because I enjoyed it. It's pretty fun. But a game being fun doesn't mean it's good. There's not even any girls in lingerie in this game. It's fucking stupid.
This game was made by Neko Entertainment, in case you're wondering who really deserved a bomb threat in their building.
It was also made by Turtle Games, which is ironic, since this game is like a nugget of a turd turtling out of a man's ass.
We open with hoodlums listening to Cardi B or whatever and smoking reefer when Crazy Frog zooms in and flashes his newfound flatness into the camera.
They introduce all the characters but who gives a fuck about any of them? They all suck.
When we get to the start menu, it starts blaring a remix of Axel F that's actually pretty cute. I'm still going to have frog legs for dinner if this shit doesn't stop.
My favorite character is the wigger on a hoverboard. He makes me want to listen to Sugarhill Gang and roll a doobie.
And hey, if you're upset about Crazy Frog losing his balls due to the ESRB, don't worry. The first set of tracks shoves balls all over your face and in your mouth. It's based on sports, which are terrible.
The speed in the game is satisfying. You're fucking zooming through space and time like a cocaine riddled rollerblader. If you like Mario Kart... keep playing it.
The other tracks are roads and stuff. They're alright too. This game is fucking pointless.
There's minigames too. Like this one: