Date: November 25th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
When I was a kid, there was a period of time in which I lived in a giant house with a ton of people like the Stock Pot Inn. It was awesome. I got to play Mama Bear (the owner of the house)'s PlayStation, hang out with 20 year old dirtbiking paintballers and more awesome shit. But the one drawback to all of this is that my mom and I shared a bedroom in the basement and our TV was in black and white and only got local channels.
This culminated in my standout memory: I was watching Sesame Street, and Elmo's World came on... and it was an episode about colors.
On a black and white TV.
Let's face some harsh facts: I'm stupid as fuck. I'm a dumb whore. I eat paste. I don't read books. I enjoyed Little Nicky. I'm worthless. So I need my old friend Elmo to teach me how to stop being a complete fucking retard. So naturally, I need to learn some shit. That's why I popped in Elmo's Letter Adventure for the PlayStation 64. To teach me how to pee without it bouncing off the saran wrap onto my feet.
As I boot up the game... I am fucking genuinely terrified. CGI Elmo is the goddamn scariest son of a bitch I have ever seen in my fucking life.
He runs on screen and shrieks "ELMO LOVES THE ALPHABET!"
Who loves the alphabet? I mean, it's okay. But I kind of want to abolish the alphabet. If we got rid of letters, we'd get rid of words. Words are bullshit.
My controller was fucking up and Elmo's like "pick a difficulty level!" and I was like "give me a fucking second" and then it just randomly decided to pick Easy.
FUCK you! I'm SMART. I want it HARD.
...that came out wrong.
Grover shoves my ass into a space ship and tells me to collect the letter U. The control on this shit is really awkward, and I kept trying to fly into the U but it wasn't letting me.
I'm sitting here with a headache, getting pissed off at a children's educational game. Even though it didn't actually tell me, I found out you have to approach the letter and press X to make Elmo grab it.
Maybe if Grover had stopped fingering his blue asshole for five seconds he could have explained that shit to me because I missed the fucking memo.
I tried to exit this minigame and go back to Sesame Street but I can't. I pause the game and Elmo just goes "YOU CAN UNPAUSE BY HITTING START."
Yeah, Elmo. I know. This ain't my first rodeo. Fuck you.
But it won't let me go back. So I have to reset my entire console... again.
This game fucking sucks.
All I've learned is that Elmo is the leading cause of depression... at least for me.
I've also realized that picking "hard" only makes you have to do the same shit more times. It just ups the redundancy factor. So I'm dialing it down to easy. Just for the sake of getting through this shit.
I get back into the game, walk down the street, talk to Ernie and he throws me into the fucking ocean.
Yeah. Get ready for this: it's the EXACT SAME GAME, only set underwater instead of in space.
Dude. I'm about to snap. This is garbage.
Then you talk to Big Bird, who sets you up on the SAME GAME AGAIN, only on a fucking pogo stick.
I'm done. Fuck Elmo. Fuck letters. Fuck this game. Fuck learning. Fuck my childhood. Fuck colors too. Fuck everything.