Date: April 4th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
I normally float around the Nintendo 64 for my unlicensed games/homebrew stuff, but I found this Mario Kart DS romhack and I wanted to give it a shot. It's called Ermii Kart. I was kind of turned off by it because I saw some of the screencaps that seemed to focus on the social poison known as memes. I absolutely fucking loathe and detest memes, their culture and the people who find them funny. And as much potential as this romhack had, it was ruined by that very thing.
So the face of this hack is a Mii head. It's probably of the dude who made the game but I don't know. Keep in mind I'm severely out of touch so this review is going to be a bit of a struggle for me. He's wearing those triangle sunglasses that I think are also meme-related somehow. I googled "orange sunglasses meme" and found out they're caled Kamina Glasses. They're from an anime called Gurren Lagann but it became a meme to photoshop them onto people's faces. That sounds hilarious. Haha. They're wearin' glasses in pictures. Looooool I get it.
(No I don't. That's stupid.)
The roster is as follows.
Ermii. The dude whose face is on the main menu. I googled "Ermii" and it brought me screencaps from this game. So it seems that I was right. It's a mii of the guy who made the game.
You got Fox from Star Fox. He looks good. I've played a little bit of Star Fox on SNES and N64 but I didn't play it a whole lot. They were fun, I just wasn't in the mood at the time. I've played more of Star Fox Adventures honestly (and I got stuck pretty early in the game and had to quit playing it).
...okay! Fine! I fucking sucked! Is that what you want to hear!?
Also. I'm not a furry or anything but...
"Reading Human Raccoon alone on a Friday night? God you're pathetic."
Then there's Lana. I don't know who she is, so I googled "Anime Lana." It seems like every character that's popping up on google has the same hair color despite being different characters. It seems that she's from something called Hunter x Hunter. Sounds like a fanfiction where Triple H fucks his own clone.
And Steph just watches on like
We've got Yoshi, now renamed Yawshi and blue. I feel like I'm missing something. So I googled "Yawshi" and found this guy on Twitter:
This girl looks vageuly familiar. I think I've seen screencaps of whatever the hell she's from. Her name is Haruhi. I did a google search and it told me that she's from the anime... Haruhi. Fair enough.
With how many of these characters I've had to look up, you might as well call this game Google Kart.
Finally we have a character I've fucking heard of. Lanky Kong, from my favorite video game of all time Donkey Kong 64. Unfortunately I know he's only included because of the "ironic" fanbase he has online. So it's bittersweet seeing him. Speaking of "ironic fanbase"...
Shrek. Fucking Shrek. I liked the movie when it first came out, but after all the years that have passed. After what Shrek's cringe-ass fans have done to Smash Mouth? After having to see "Shrek is love. Shrek is life" every five fucking seconds? Fuck Shrek. Fuck everyone who likes Shrek. I literally hope there's a Shrek convention and the entire building burns to the ground while every ironic Shrek fan is inside and they all die.
You know what's irritating about all this? These models look great. This guy did a phenomenal job on this game. But he wasted it on meme-garbage. Imagine how good this could have been if he wasn't poisoned by society?
And the final character on the roster is Bowser in a white one piece... Or a tuxedo. I can't tell. I don't get it. I don't care. I just want to play the fucking game.
...is that the fucking Bonzai Buddy? Now I'm angry. That's something I would put in MY Mario Kart romhack. But it's used in an ironic meme context instead of an internet-throwback context and that irritates the everloving piss out of me.
The one cool thing I liked about this hack was they imported a level from Diddy Kong Racing. But they put Dino from the Flintstones in it.
I played another level, accidentally drove off the edge and it kept respawning me into a pit and wouldn't let me continue the race. So I quit and decided to check out the "story mode." I was greeted to this menu.
You know what? I can't take this shit anymore. "Impossibru?" Really? Fuck this fucking stupid bullshit. This romhack can go fuck itself. Cringeworthy piece of shit.
Oh, by the way. Apparently you can unlock Doge as a character. That makes me want to vomit.
As cool as it is hearing Smash Mouth in the Nintendo DS soundfont, all of the songs are just ironic meme songs and it's really fucking annoying.
I would rather snowball my vomit with Mo from Nickelodeon Guts than play this game ever again. It was such an amazing waste of talent. This game had imported character models, new levels, new music and more. And he wasted it all on memes. Fucking unreal.
The game had so much potential, but in addition to being so cringey it hurts, it's also broken. I on several occasions caused the game to just stop functioning properly.
PopoTip: Memes are social poison and are making you an idiot!
You will never be a master of your own brain if you allow morons to pollute it!