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L (Isn't) Real in Super Mario 64

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Date: February 8th, 2020

Written by: Majin Tween

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In Big Boo's Haunt, there exists an unused key object that doesn't have any use in the current game. I can't find any information online about what the purpose of this thing was. Maybe it to unlock a door in the mansion. Maybe it was for Mario's cock cage. Maybe Peach is into some freaky shit. I don't know, I'm not Shigeru Miyamoto.

But maybe... just maybe... that key is to unlock Luigi!

(No it isn't.)

See, nowadays we have all kinds of mods and hacks to let us play as all kinds of characters in Super Mario 64. I've played as Peach, Rosalina, Bob Saget, and others. But back in the day, that shit didn't exist. All we had was Mario... and Mario sucks.

I like Luigi. He's a pussy. It's endearing. So the idea that I could play as him in Super Mario 64 blew my tiny little mind as a kid. That's where the assholes of the internet stepped in and trolled me into wasting precious weeks of my life chasing after a goal I couldn't have.

So let's recap for those who don't know. There's a fountain in the back of the castle that has some scribbles on it. Many websites online have claimed it says "L is Real 2401." Which, quite frankly, was all the proof I needed.

I didn't have internet access at my house. My mom needed her computer to send white trash dudes nudes in Yahoo chatrooms. So I had to wait until the weekend when I'd visit my grandmother and beg her to let me use her computer, as it was my only shot to explore the world wide web.

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So I hit fan sites that claimed to have the inside scoop on how to unlock Luigi, copied the text to Microsoft Word and printed them out. These sites even had (terrible) photoshops that I totally bought into because, well, I was stupid.

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There was one where I had to run around the fountain counterclockwise 64 times and then pound the ground on the statue, which couldn't even really be accomplished because I just kept sliding off. There was one that said you had to hit a certain part of the lava-fall in the volcano and that Luigi was behind it.

Like, people just made shit up and put it online just to hurt my feelings. And it worked.

But honestly? I wouldn't take any of it back.

The innocent hope of finding something like this is a feeling that I fight for every day. It's why I look up beta info on games, why I look into new secrets people have discovered. I love the wonder of what is inside these games, the idea that there's more to these universes than meets the eye. I regret nothing.

It is worth noting that this same L is Real 2401 texture is used in Ocarina of Time... so hey, maybe Link is unlockable in Mario 64.

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But on the topic of unused things... look at this depressed fucking penguin.

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Jesus Christ. This dude looks like he wants to kill himself.