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Mario Golf

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Date: September 24th, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

Today is the 20 year anniversary of Mario Golf... so I'm going to be the millionth person to do a review on it. But fuck you. Nobody writes like me... and if you see another chick who writes like me, slap her, and ask her if she's ever been to the damn Master's.

Now let's get one thing straight. Golf sucks. In the words of Happy Gilmore, "golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass." While I've been told I have an ass that exists, my mother always told me "my asshole is a one-way street... and that direction is in, because I have so many cocks thrusting into them at all times I can never take a shit."

Kind of a fucked up thing to tell a 4 year old, but whatever.

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We open with the Mario friends playing golf, and some girl named Plum. I don't know who the fuck she is, but she's adorable and I love her.

Then, for some reason, Yoshi's on my balls.

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We get to the character select screen and there's four entire characters. Damn, son. Jam packed.

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And apparently Plum is straight, so now I care about her infinitely less.

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So this is how you unlock characters in the game. You have to beat them in games of golf. At least it's not like Pokemon. If it was, you'd have to beat them half to death with a golf club to get them to join your regime.

...actually, I wish that was the game. That would rule.

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Alright. Time to conquer Toad's hole.

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imsorryyouhadtoseethat

Can't figure out why this webzine hasn't cracked the mainstream yet.

You know what? Golf fucking sucks. How the fuck am I supposed to write a review about this shit? You hit a fucking ball on grass. I'd rather be playing mini-golf.

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OH FUCK. THIS GAME RULES.

mariogolf8bit
Control rating30
  • 3.5
  • Graphics rating30
  • 3.0
  • Sound rating30
  • 3.0
  • Fun Factor rating30
  • 3.0
  • finalrundown

    Aesthetics:

    The graphics are similar to Mario Tennis, and I would die for Plum.

    Stress:

    I'm not good at golf games.

    Brain Power:

    If you hit the ball into the water, you might just be a dumbass.

    Cuteness:

    I. Would. DIE. For. Plum.

    Brutality:

    I haven't seen this many balls getting smacked since I saw some guy on Fetlife in a public library.

    Replayability:

    If you like golf, this is pretty decent. I still prefer the Wii Sports Resort golf game.

    Strangeness:

    WHO IS PLUM!?