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Mario Party 64

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Date: March 2nd, 2020

Written by: Majin Tween

I always found the original story of Mario Party hilarious. All of Mario's friends are getting into an argument about who the Super Star is... but it's like, come on. It's not called Peach Party or Yoshi Party. It's fucking Mario Party. Learn your place, maggots.

But I love Mario Party. Specifically, the first one... and Advance. But we're not talking about either of those. We're talking about Mario Party 64!

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This is a brand new game that was released just the other day on the SM64 engine. It turns Mario Party into a full-fledged 3D adventure game.

The first thing that's super cool is that the entire main hub world is properly recreated in 3D. You can collect tokens like Hollywood trying to seem woke and use them to buy things from the shop, like mini-games or Bad Dragon mini dildos.

The first world you go into is Mario's Rainbow Cloud Sky Place. That's the real name. I wouldn't lie to you. It's a pretty cute little place. It's like Heaven, which Belinda Carlisle told me was a place on Earth. And my N64 is on Earth. So she was right.

Platform Peril is represented in this game as a race you have to beat in 16 seconds, leaping over pyramids and platforms and trying not to die. Honestly, this is similar to what I wish most SM64 hacks were. Less adventure, more strategic platforming.

Teetering Towers is another example of this game's excellency. It's strategic platforming jumping. The only drawback I'd say is the fact that it was so perfectly based on the minigames. I'd like to see these expanded on and turned into longer, deeper challenges.

Yoshi's Tropical Island Shithole is a really adorable place. They perfectly recreated the "dive down and grab the treasure chests" minigame, and it's really well made but somehow even more tedious than the original minigame.

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They've incorporated Peach's Birthday Cake as it's own full featured level, and it's honestly so cute I could cry. But Princess Peach is also so cute I could cry. God damn it, I'm just gonna cry.

They also incorporated the Same Game, which was a dummied out minigame from the original that you can access via hacking. It's programmed really well, but... alright. I'm getting frustrated. I can't just marvel at the well made levels anymore.

This game is way too fucking easy. Just like almost every Mario 64 hack. Just like the original. It's a glorified scavenger hunt with no difficulty. At no point do I feel like I'm at risk of dying. There's no urgency. There's hardly any enemies. Why is this so common in these games? Is it so much to ask that I get my ass kicked?

Like, seriously. I'm the paying customer. Beat the shit out of me! Smack my shit up! Treat me like a five dollar whore and knock me into a death pit! What the fuck is so hard about this? Why is challenge so fucking forbidden on the N64?

So here's the final verdict. As an artistic creation, this game is amazing. Every level and minigame was designed and programmed from scratch and stays very faithful to both Mario Party and Super Mario 64. But it's way too easy. I wish the difficult had been ramped up. Throw more enemies in there or something. I realize you're at the mercy of the original map designs but fuck. You shouldn't be able to just aimlessly run around with no challenge whatsoever.

Final Verdict

Control rating50
  • 5.0
  • Graphics rating30
  • 3.0
  • Sound rating40
  • 4.0
  • Fun Factor rating20
  • 2.0