Date: June 5th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
It's party time! But sadly, this is a Mary-Kate and Ashleyless party. It's a Mario Party!
Long story short, the Nintendo crew get into a bickering fight about who's the "biggest superstar." Well, it's not called Yoshi Party or Peach Party. It's called Mario Party, you dumb sluts. Learn your place.
Allegedly, the status of Nintendo's Superstar can be decided in a children's board game. Yeah. Fuck it.
It's a board game. You roll a die, you move around the board and then at the end of all 4 players turns it randomly grabs a minigame for you to play.
Get it!? GOT IT!? GOOD!
They put a star on the board that you can buy with coins you acquire from playing the game/winning minigames/selling your body on the black market.
If you land on a blue space, you'll get a few coins. If you land on a red space, you lose a few coins. Plus, whatever color space you land on dictates your placement in the next minigame.
If everyone gets a blue space, you get a battle-royale style minigame. If someone gets a red one, it becomes a 1-on-3, and if two people get red it becomes a tag-team match (playa).
Coin Block Bash
Coin Block Bash is the most basic minigame in Mario Party. This is the missionary position of Mario Party. I mean, in addition to this minigame where you just have to destroy the blocks, collect the coins and the red-player gets to hold a hammer, there's also ANOTHER minigame that's the exact same thing without the hammer.
You can smash the blocks or a motherfucker with the hammer.
Each board has it's own shenanigans. Sometimes you have to pay coins to cross tolls, but it's worth it because sometimes it's the only way you can get to the star.
If you land on an exclamation point space, you get to play a 1-player minigame.
Mario is a fat slut that needs to exercise, so he sits on an exercise bike and pedals full speed ahead. Sadly, the ghost of Luigi's hopes and dreams is trying to kill him. The goal of this minigame is to pedal so fast that the light comes on all the way and makes the ghost go away. Let that be a lesson to you: if somebody tries to make you accept the truth, just make them disappear.
If someone lands on a green ? space, it triggers an environmental shenanigan depending on what board you're playing on. For example, DK Jungle will launch a rock at you and send you running away from it's trajectory, which could be a good thing if the star is more toward that way... but if it's not, it totally fucks you over.
There's a big ghost that will help you steal coins and stars from other players on the board. But, to steal stars, you have to pay a 50 coin fee. I don't know why a ghost needs money. Maybe he's trying to buy Casper Meets Wendy on VHS: a favorite movie of ghosts.
Box Mountain Mayhem
Box Mountain Mayhem doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The minigame is simple: punch boxes, get coins. Moving on!
Mario is trying to escape from the Pirahana Plant's wrath on a skateboard. His three friends pound the ground on the rain to try to make murder happen. But don't worry! it's all in good fun!
...but no, if that plant catches up to Mario he will eat that bitch dead.
This is basically musical chairs, but instead of chairs it's a mushroom.
Which brings me to a word of advice:
If some fat italian with a mustache says "You don't need a chair. Come sit on my mushroom.", run the fuck away.
There's a Bowser space you can land on that causes all kinds of evil bullshit. For example, evening out everyone's coins or just flat out stealing yours.
Coin Shower Flower
This minigame is easy... if you're the one on the flower. Just grab all the coins and fuck everyone else. It's a really good metaphor for capitalism. I got 39 coins while the other swam around only to collect around 3.
Bash 'n' Cash
One of you gets dressed up like Bowser while everyone else grabs hammers and beats the shit out of you and steals your money.
...No, seriously. That's what this minigame is.
It's a fucking mugging.
If you land on the ! space it triggers Chance Time, which is the ultimate chaos moment in the game. It makes it so two random players in the game have to trade either stars or coins. This is a major game changer. Between Chance Time, the star-stealing ghost and just all-around chance of the board, you'll be lucky if your closest friendships survive after a round of this game.
Slot Car Derby
For the life of me I can not figure out the pacing of how you're supposed to drive in this minigame. If you go too fast, you start steaming and swirling. But I've been playing this game for over 20 years and I can't figure it out. I feel like it's rigged.
Maybe I'm just a dumb bitch. I don't know.
A tag-team event (playa). This is a silly and fun one. You and your friend are on a minecart, trying desperately to win a race against the other team without falling into a pit of lava and burning alive.
Imagine the agonizing horror of the lava melting the flesh off your bone as you gasp for life. Imagine incinerating, brutally, and fading into the light. Haha. That's good, clean fun for children.
...speaking of lava.
"So here I am, doin' everything I can... HOLDING ON TO WHAT I AM. Pretendin' I'm a Superman!
Remember how you were on a minecart begging for your life? Now you're on a skateboard. You don't get to do any kickflips or sick 50/50 grinds, but you do get to ollie over obstacles that seem set up to try to knock you into the lava. Is this fucking game run by Jigsaw?
Now this is more like it. You're standing on a picture frame and dragging a shell around to try to expose an entire picture. It's like... well, scratching a lottery ticket. But hey, I'll take possibly subliminally exposing children to gambling vs. throwing their childhood heroes into lava in the name of sport.
But the shell is red. I can't help but feel like it's a heat-seaking shell. Which begs the question, do I need to actually tilt this picture frame? Wouldn't it have followed me regardless? Or does tilting the frame somehow stop it from zooming full speed at me and killing me? Maybe I'm overthinking it.
Droppin' hammers. It used to be slang for taking a shit, but now it's a fun minigame for the entire family!
You're running around on a platform, desperately trying to grab coins that are being thrown. But the catch is: this guy's trying to fucking murder you. He's throwing GIANT FUCKING HAMMERS at your head, aiming for your demise.
Running of the Bulb
You're in a corridor, trying to run a lightbulb all the way to the end to kill all the ghosts with the light. But as you're running across, there are ghosts trying to convert you to Ghostism. You can be saved from this by one of your teammates punching you in the face, which is the same as religion in real life.
You're standing in a circle, tossing a bomb around until it explodes in someone's face. This is fucked up. I already made the Jigsaw reference but seriously. What the fuck kind of game is this? These are murder simulators.
Right before the final five turns of the game, Koopa Troopa comes out and predicts who he thinks will win. I don't know what the justification for this is but sometimes his predictions are so off base that they don't make any sense.
Knock Block Tower
Whenever I read "Knock Block Tower", it just reminds me of Zoot Suit Riot for some reason. I imagine singing "Knock Block Tower" to the tune.
The minigame itself is pretty straightforward because every fucking minigame in this game, except for that god awful racing one, are self explanatory. Jump. Punch the boxes and then punch the treasure chest. Don't punch the blue shit. It'll break your first and you'll cry.
This minigame is the drizzling shits in 64 bits. There's a fucking zig zag of pipes and you have to somehow drop a fucking treasure chest down the top and hope it rains a delicious load of coins all over your face. But there's no fucking way, unless you're Taj Mowry from the hit TV show "Smart Guy" that you'd be able to scan your eyeballs across the screen in the limited amount of time you have to look at it and figure out where to drop the box to win.
This minigame is an abomination of God.
You have a tire pump hooked up to a giant Bowser balloon. Whoever can blow it up and cause it to burst wins the game. It's pretty innocent, aside from the anxiety attack everyone gets when the balloons start popping.
This isn't fun but the concept is cool. Whichever one of the players that landed on a red space will be declared the Crane of the crane game, where you have a choice of several prizes to pick up... three of which are the other players in the game. Brutal.
It's legalized robbery.
This is where Mario Party's sadisticness enters the real world. Before it was all virtual torture, but now it's literally in the palm of your hand.
For this game you are expected to rotate the control stick as fast as humanly possible.
By the end of it, you look like Jesus with your bloody palms.
Bowser's Face Lift
Similar to how Super Mario 64 opens up, you've gotta pull Bowser's face around to try to make it look just like the one in the center. It's pretty easy if you're a genius like me.
It's basketball with a bomb, you fucking idiot.
Once the game comes to it's end, some final stars are awarded for various things. Who won the most mini-games, who landed on the most green spaces. Shit like that. Then, after that, they declare a winner!
Then you're sent back to the title screen like a two dollar whore. Game's over. Go do something else, fuckface.