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Mario Tennis


Date: August 29th, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

I like tennis. If there was a way to not sweat while playing tennis I would totally play it in real life. But for whatever reason I've never really played Mario Tennis until today. My major go-to tennis game was always Hot Shots Tennis: Get a Grip on PSP. (Which I heavily recommend)

Apparently Mario Tennis on Virtual Boy came first. I actually didn't know that. That's kind of interesting. I don't have a Virtual Boy so I can't play that one yet but I'd like to in the future. It looks pretty cool. Mainly because it's in BloodVision and reminds me of murder. Murder rules.

So as far as I can tell, there isn't a story mode or anything in this game. That's kinda disappointing but I was majorly spoiled by Hot Shots Tennis on PSP. That really was the absolute best tennis game I've ever played.

So since there's no story mode, I guess I'll play a tournament or something.


You'll notice in the brackets of this tournament that Mario beat Luigi. Poor green bastard can't catch a break.


So I gotta take on a turtle with wings. That's pretty intense. I feel like being able to fly is kind of unfair. He should have his wings clipped to make it even.


Just kidding. He sucks.


Oh shit. Maybe he doesn't suck. Maybe it was truly I who sucked all along.


Just kidding. He sucks.

But luckily Peach is a sportsman (or sportswoman).

To prove there's no hard feelings, they wound up having the sex.


(This is the kind of solidarity our planet needs.)


Up next I have to fight Super Misogynist 64.

Look at him! He hates women so much he won't even respect Peach by opening his eyes.

But what do I do? How do I make Mario respect women!?

Instruct him in the matters of loss and pain. Make him suffer, make him wish he were dead... and then grant his wish.



The next round in the tournament for me is a princess fight. Peach vs. Daisy. Women have conquered this tournament and that's important for equality or whatever.

I'm gonna shove this bitch right up my ass. I don't give a fuck.


Daisy and I actually had an amazingly intense match. It was really back and forth and we kept trading advantages, deuces, etc. Really intense. This is what Mario Tennis is all about.


I won the cup! Wow! I did it! I beat the game! That was really fun. I enjoyed the match against Daisy a lot and---


I have to play tennis against Baby Mario? I fucking hate Baby Mario. I love Yoshi's Island but this crying bastard pisses me off so fucking much. Can I just beat the shit out of him with my tennis racket until he quits moving? That would rule.

And the bitch of it is: we had a REALLY competitive game!


But in the end, I still won! Yay me!

I was not so lucky this time. Despite another major back-and-forth tennis game, Donkey Kong beat me.

I gotta say, I thought this game would be stupid easy. With how swiftly I won my first match I was like "oh, it's dumbed down for stupid kids with stupid kid fingers." But I was totally wrong. I just gets increasingly hard as you go through the tournament. Which, honestly, rules. This game is a lot of fun. I still gotta give Hot Shots Tennis: Get a Grip the title of best tennis game I've ever played but this is definitely a close second.

While the characters are totally cute and huggable, the ground textures are kinda bland and it's the majority of what you end up seeing. I found out after I was playing that you can change the camera settings but it doesn't really stop the blandness of the floor. The music sounds good but unmemorable for the most part. But it was totally fun. Good game.

Control rating40
  • 4.5
  • Graphics rating30
  • 3.0
  • Sound rating30
  • 3.0
  • Fun Factor rating40
  • 4.0