Date: September 15th, 2019
Written by: Raccoon
Back in 2000, I moved into this giant house that this rich lady owned. She was friends with a bunch of stoners, misfits and dipshits, which included my mom. So when we moved in, it was like a hotel of sorts. It was awesome. I got to play the PlayStation for the first time in my life and made friends with some really cool dudes.
When I got there, they said "there's someone we want you to meet." and directed me to the bedroom of this guy who (at least in my memory) looked like the dude from Monk.
He said, "so I've been told you like Pokemon."
I said "yeah! I do!"
He asked, "Just the show?"
I said "Well yeah, I don't have the games. But my cousins do and they let me play it when they visit!"
He said "Well, that's too bad. The games are really good. In fact, I have two of them."
He pulled out Pokemon Red and Pokemon Blue and said "They're both the exact same game. So I'll tell you what. You can have one."
I was stunned!
"Yeah. Do you want Red or Blue?"
Without flinching I said "Red!" and he handed it to me. "Have fun!"
I thanked him and my mom and Mama Bear escorted me out.
I rushed into my mom and I's shared bedroom in the basement, grabbed my Gameboy Color and popped it in.
Then they dressed me up like Pikachu and had me get raped by some dude named Ash.
Now, for this Stumblethrough I won't be playing the original. That's too boring. Sure, I'm hilarious and entertaining and can make anything cool, but I like girls. Cute girls. Not just in the ways of being lesbianny, but just in general. Girls are rad as fuck. I'm totally biased, but I don't care. There's girls who cut their boobs off and throw them in buckets to become dudes so I think in this climate I've proven that I'm all about it. So I'm playing a hack called Moemon. It changes all the Pokemon into cute little girls dressed like Pokemon.
Adorable, right? I know. I love it. So let's get started.
First, we gotta meet Professor Oak. The main man. He studies Pokemon as a profession. He's like a zoologist.
Nobody calls you that.
Well, that's problematic. Why can't we just feed them apple sauce and give them cuddles?
...as for yourself what? What do you do to Pokemon!?
What the FUCK.
Alright. Fuck this. Let's start the game.
7 AM, wakin' up in the mornin'. Gotta be fresh. Gotta go downstairs. Gotta smoke a bowl. Gotta eat cereal out of my friend's ass.
Alright. What kinda horse shit we got in this place?
And what game am I playing?
You guessed it.
I booted up the computer, but there's no internet browser.
I wanted to look up Olsen Twin fansites on Geocities, but I guess I can't.
I bet it was this crazy bitch over here!
Okay. I'm bored now. I'm gonna go scream homophobic slurs at Professor Oak.
Hell yeah it is.
Jesus. Why you gotta roast my boy like that, yo?
Alright, whatever. I'm gonna head out into ADVENTURE!
Oh fuck! It's the police!
Well, Wal-Mart's full of homeless masturbators and Disney's got lesbians makin' cartoons with penises in them. But my kids still gotta go see the Aladdin remake in theaters everywhere.
So we stroll on down to Professor Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement so he can give me my first Pokemon! Fudge yeah!
But my rival, Gary, wants one too.
I chose Squirtle, because I like water. It's delicious and a great way to wash away the pain.
Dr. Girlfriend: Name him Jim Leader.
It's a girl but okay.
But then, Gary got all pissy and tried to step to ME.
That's right! He wants to battle!
Fuck the video. Forget it.
Deal with it, nuggetfucker.
Yeah, but it's nothing a disposable razor can't fix.
So we're on our way out of this shit hole. We gotta head into town! Fuck shit up! I have a Pokemon now, and I'm gonna use it to rob stores and force girls to show me their bra straps.
Fuck no! Knowledge is for nerds!
Fuck yeah! Chores!
I will totally bring him his shit. After I get distracted by every possible thing I could ever run into.
Yeah. Whenever I haven't had my coffee I often lay in the streets, screaming at people not to walk past me. Totally reasonable, you delusional whore. Shut up.
Long story short, I walk my ass all the way back down and deliver The Sacred Parcel to Professor Oak, who then is like "yo check out my Pokedex" and gives me one. Hell yeah. I wish that would happen in real life. Mainly, I wish Lady Gaga would give me one million dollars. Like she'd even notice the loss. Selfish bitch.
You know what? I totally want to meet up with some creepy old man who gives me a really fancy electronic device. Like a palm pilot or a Digivice. But unfortunately I think Anthony Cumia already learned his lesson.
Regardless, my Pokemon Adventure is only beginning to unfold. Which is what Oak said would happen in the beginning of the game. Shit, he was right. He's always fucking right.