Date: March 22nd, 2020
Written by: Majin Tween
Saved by the Bell is a fantastic show. There was a point in my life where my girlfriend and I would wake up every Saturday morning at the fuck-crack of dawn to go thrift store raiding, and we'd have coffee, cereal and watch Saved by the Bell episodes while we did our makeup and stuff.
Twenty years ago on Newgrounds, a flash adventure game was added that takes place in the Saved by the Bell universe, and it's called Saved By Your Balls.
A Saved By The Bell game, you need to collect 5 grand at Bayside by whoring yourself out or you'll never be able to repair your dad's car that you wrecked the night before!
Oh man. I remember this episode! This should be a breeze. I make this easy look shit.
This is apparently a hyper-sexualized adventure. I'm so in. You get your pick of which character you'd like to play as, and I chose AC Slater, because the straightest man I've ever seen is AC Slater and the gayest man I've ever seen is Mario Lopez. I've got both markets cornered.
The menu music is Informer by Snow, but other good songs get used too.
This is the school. You navigate around and bump into various classmates. It's pretty straightforward, but it does require strategy. You have your health and your money, and you need to spend both in ways that make sure you don't die, but you also get enough money to pay for the car you crashed.
Kelly has given us some condoms, which we will use for the fuck. We're on top of this.
...I don't wanna give this guy a handjob. That's gross. Maybe if he was wearing thigh-high socks or something but---
Eh. Fuck it. $100 is $100.
After that, Slater wound up giving Zack a blowjob for $10, but then he was late to math class and got screamed at for it.
Walking around the hallway after that, a girl named Ashlee offered me free sex in the hallway. Being a whore, I said yes. But then she gave me an STD and knocked my health down. Things aren't looking good for The Slate right now.
But, walking around, I bumped into Miss Bliss! Yeah! That annoying British bitch from the original series. I wound up paying her to have sex with me, and then forced her to pay me to keep it a secret. I'm a real piece of shit.
I sold my condoms to a nerd for his party. I'm not asking any questions. But we got some money out of it.
Then I had to fuck Screech and his robot for $350. I gotta say, there are some ugly fuckin' dudes in this school. Jesus Christ.
The next sex-act was from Jesse, who I had to perform a blowjob on to get a key to a locked classroom... but wait... I gave her a blowjob? I saw Showgirls. I know she doesn't have a dick.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. I support the transgender people... if they're cute. Which she is. So WEEEEE.
Alright. I've got a gold coin now, so I can send it into Cash 4 Gold and make some real money. This has gotta be my time to win and we still have 8 hours left.
Wait... 8 hours!? Holy fucking shit. I have 8 hours left of just indescriminately fucking ugly shitheads for money? I cannot subject you, the reader, to that nonsense. Not for this review. I gotta speed through this. Hold up.
The game basically continues like this. I got a dildo, sold the dildo, and I am just... just covered in this horrible shame glaze. Oh God. It's so sticky. It's so gross. And the worst part? I didn't even get enough money to pay for the car. This fucking sucks, man. Fuck this.
So. I'm sure you have two questions.
First, is this game fun? The answer is no. It's repetitive and boring.
But... it's a comedy game. So is it funny?
No. No it isn't.
This game sucks.