Date: October 29th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
Bombs, bricks, snow and water.
These are the basic four elements.
But now we need to add the final element...
Halloween's coming up here, and it's the perfect time to go into Big Boo's Haunt in Super Mario 64.
I wish it was the Big Booze Haunt so I could get plastered. I just stubbed my toe on our old VCR that's sitting in the hallway and now I'm pissed. The things I love are hurting me.
As we head into the castle courtyard, you'll notice that it's swimming with ghosts. Somebody should do a ROM hack where the boos have swiggly tails and have Mario traverse through the inside of Bowser's testicles while he's fucking Peach, trying to stop the cummies from reaching her egg. Think about it. Stopping Bowser's spawn from being launched into her womb would be Mario's biggest challenge to date.
There's one ghost who has a child's sized carousel toy inside of him. Maybe he ate it. I don't know. But when you destroy him and approach it, you get sucked in! Egad!
And now you're here. Big Boo's Cunt. A haunted mansion that nobody could possibly live in. There's no video games. No TV. No refrigerator. Nothing. This place fucking sucks.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
THIS IS THE SCARIEST GAME EVER CREATED.
Every time you kill a ghost, you get this dialogue telling you that "ghosts don't die." But they sure as shit don't come back unless I leave the level.
After you kill... er... destroy? Defeat?
After you smash your ass into ever ghost and make them fuck off, you'll have to fight a giant ghost... that's just as easy to defeat.
Seriously. The boss battles in this game are easier than hooking up with emo girls from your local high school on MySpace. And I mean it. They'll hit you with some drama like, "I think I'm pregnant." and then you're like "well maybe going lesbian will kill the baby." They're usually into it.
This level fucking sucks. Like, I feel fondness for it because it's part of my childhood and it reminds me of all of my early Halloweens (since I replayed this game all the time growing up) but in retrospect it's so stupidly easy that it borders on being insulting. It's like, "punch a bunch of books" and "kill all the ghosts in THIS room now!" They even reuse the big ghost again by putting him on the roof. That's just lazy.
This whole place is empty too. Like, you can run around outside endlessly and you'll be lucky to bump into any enemies. That is so fucking boring. I'm done with this shit. Halloween is cancelled.