Date: March 15th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
Plenty of magazines and websites have video game walkthroughs.
So while I could absolutely be the one millionth website in the universe to give you a walkthrough and be like "yeah, walk through this door and you'll get the Super Condom powerup" or whatever, that's clearly not my style. I'm a cunt. I make fun of everything.
That's why I have created Stumblethroughs. They're like walkthroughs, but instead of me showing you how to beat your favorite games, you're going to read through articles I have posted of me documenting my adventures through these games rifled with whatever thoughts and other nonsense I think of at the time.
That being said, I want to start with the first video game I ever owned. It's not the first one I ever played, but it's the first I could call my own. Super Mario 64.
Here's the story: Princess gets kidnapped by an evil turtle who has cast magic spells on paintings that turn them into real places where you can collect stars that open doors where you'll eventually get to kick his ass.
It makes sense in context.
As we start our new file, the paparazzi is already hot on our trail. I hate TMZ and will, I swear, one day, kill Lakitu for violating my privacy like this.
If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself!
That's right! This is Human Raccoon Electronic Magazine and we don't need to rely on men for anything. We want to save Princess Peach's castle, right? Well then Princess Peach herself is going to do it.
This is actually a ROM hack by Kaze Emanuar called "Super Mario 64 3D World." But it's literally the same game, just with character choices! I love girls (But I'm biased.) and I only ever want to play as girls, so let's head into Peach's Castle as Peach herself!
Because we're apparently just a bunch of stupid whores to this game, they've put a sign right in front of Peach's Castle telling us that Peach's Castle is right up ahead. I'm so glad that they pointed this out because I'm a retarded cunt and don't even know how to feed myself. I just smash a spoon full of apple sauce against my face until I bleed everywhere. Thank you, Nintendo. You stupid assholes. I hate you.
Woah, woah! Don't misgender Peach.
She may have a giant dick under that dress but I'm sure it's a very feminine, respectable dick.
Oh fuck. Well, if nobody's home I guess we're wasting our time. I guess that concludes the stumblethrough of Super Mario 64. Thanks for reading.
...wait, no! Fuck that! I know for a fact that someone is in here because a voice just told me there wasn't!
Damn it! Fooled again.
Now I'm pissed! I got made to look like a dumb bitch on my own magazine. God damn it. Alright. No more fucking around. It's time to enter Bob-Omb Battlefield.
Big Bob-Omb on the Summit
The pink bob-omb warns us to watch out for water bombs... which doesn't sound like a threat at all. Like, how does that hurt me? Am I a fucking witch? Is this the Wizard of Oz? I shower once a year, I'm not afraid of water. I'll fucking shower right now.
PopoTip: You can use the little caves on the side of the mountain to warp to reach King Bob-Omb faster, if you're into the idea of being blown up sooner.
...Yeah. No shit.
So anyway, you climb up the mountain and you meet a big black motherfucker named King Bob-Omb. The fight is simple: You have to jump over his head, grab his supple buttcheeks and throw him to his death.
You cannot throw him off the top of the mountain. He'll fly back up, call you a cunt and the fight will resume. You have to toss him on ground level.
Footrace with Koopa the Quick
This next mission, I can't really say much about. You're just racing a big turtle (who will call you out on cheating)... so naturally, I'm gonna try to get away with cheating.
PopoTip: Remember those little warps on the cave? Well, if you use those in this race you'll be disqualified because there is no honor in cheating. Race fairly, as there is no integrity in a victory you did not earn.
Shoot to the Island in the Sky
Peach is honestly and obviously exhausted after this. She had to lift a near 500 pound King Bomb dude and run two races against a cocaine addicted turtle. She needs a rest, which is why she is going to tag in her girlfriend Rosalina.
I have no proof that Peach and Rosalina are dating, but I don't know anything about Rosalina because I've never played a video game she was in so I don't actually have anything proving they're not either. It's all nonsense to further my gay agenda.
So since this mission is called Shoot to the Island in the Sky, we'll have to... well... shoot to the island in the sky.
This one's as straightforward as peeing. If you can't figure it out, you're stupid.
I mean, I totally missed and shot under the thing but I knew what I meant to do which means I'm smart.
PopoTip: If you run around a wooden pole, it will ejaculate coins everywhere! Wee!
Behind Chain Chomp's Gate
So because the "Mario Wings to the Sky" star is forbidden until you get the Wing Cap, I can't actually get it yet. This drives me nuts because I like beating the entire level in one go and not having to come back. But alas, you'll have to wait until the next entry. That being said, this star is pure anxiety. Because I've played this game so much I find it easy now, but back in the day it was stressful as fuck. You have to stomp down this gate while this chain chomp is going ape shit trying to kill you. It's a nightmare. But I did it, I got the star and accomplished it.
Up next, let's blast over to Whomp's Fortress!