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Cool, Cool Mountain

avatarraccoon
Gaming :: Stumblethroughs :: Super Mario 64 ::

Date: August 4th, 2019

Written by: Raccoon

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We've blown shit up. We've slammed our asses on concrete blocks and compressed our spines. Now it's time to frolic in the snow!

We've got to head into Cool, Cool Mountain and uh... kill all the penguins? I don't really know what this place has to do with Bowser and his rapey scheme but we're gonna fuck shit up regardless and get this bitch shut down.

They've got three different paintings here though. How the fuck am I supposed to know which one to jump into!?

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FUCK.

Slip Slidin' Away

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This thing apparently wants me to jump into the chimney of this cabin, but I don't want to appropriate North Pole culture. I'm conflicted. I'm suchalha probleamtaic whtiet persoan ai'm so rjeay

...Meh. Fuck those eskimos. Let's do it.

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As we arrive in the cabin, it's revealed that this cabin actually connects into a gigantic slide that's been built inside the mountain we're on. That is fucking insane. Who built this? Why does this exist?

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If this slide was built for fun... then why in the fuck is there an endless void of death at the bottom? This is some Jigsaw shit. Whoever made this place is a psychopath.

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What's weirder is if you accidentally ride into this wall, you phase through it and go into a strange tunnel void. God only knows where this thing's going to send poor Rosalina.

sashagreylaunchesrosalina

Oh fuck! Cool, Cool Mountain is a microuniverse existing in Sasha Grey's butt! I should have known!

But you know what? She got the power star anyway!

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Li'l Penguin Lost

Alright. Rosalina needs some time to recover after the whole "being launched out of a sphincter" thing, so Peach is gonna tag back in.

I know that you're reading this and you're expecting me to drop the penguin off a fucking cliff, like every other unoriginal hack on the internet does. I'm not like that. I'm just gonna pee on his head.

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Moving along.

Big Penguin Race

Alright. We're heading back into Sasha Grey's butt to race a giant penguin.

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YOU STOP MISGENDERING PEACH RIGHT NOW, SHITLORD.

Just for that? Sasha Grey's butt.

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Yeah, you stupid fucking penguin. Winning without cheating is for natal women. Suck Peach's feminine cock.

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Oh FUCK YOU.

Fuck this. I'm letting Rosalina tag back in and beat this stupid blue fuck.

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Eat butts, nerd.

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Snowman's Lost His Head

In this mission we have to help a snowman get head.

And not in the fun way.

So we've got to start snowballing!

And not in the fun way.

But be careful. You might get smacked by a few balls.

And not in the fun way.

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You run like a crossdressing Indiana Jones away from this tumbling ice ball and try to aim it toward the bigger ball, which, if done correctly, it'll launch on top of it's head and BAM. You got a snowman.

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Wall Jumps Will Work

Wall jumps will work, but the iPod I bought in 2008 won't. Which is funny because I have a CD player from 2001 that still works perfectly and that has moving parts and a fucking laser. I hate modern technology.

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So here's the deal. You gotta get all the way across the pit of death to the other side. It's so far away, and I don't have a helicopter because this isn't Saints Row 2. So we have to go talk to a pink bomb who will open his hole and let us in.

Just like my mom, all you have to do is ask.

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See? It's as easy as risking your life for nothing. He opens the cannons... but fuck that. I'm not traveling all the way back down there for that when I can jump straight over there with nothing more than a fractured rectum to show for it.

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WEEEE!

And then, like a small child who just snorted a line of cocaine off Elmo's ass, you gotta bounce off the walls.

Then you get your star and BAM! This snow filled shithole is beat.

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If you liked this Stumblethrough don't forget to like a video of someone crying over their miscarriage and subscribe to simplyMKA on YouTube. I don't have a YouTube because they banned my account. But that's it. There's no final boss. Only the vague feeling of accomplishment. It's like taking adderol and viagra and slitting your wrists before you have a chance to masturbate.

Having all this fun on my N64 does make me wonder, though... what if Super Mario 64 had been on PlayStation instead?

Stay tuned to HumanRaccoon.com, because after this we're going to drown on purpose.

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