Date: April 21st, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
In the last Stumblethrough of Super Mario 64, my jokes weren't the only things that bombed. The entire place was bombed! We took out King Bob-Omb... and if you'll recall, we still have unfinished business there. But for now we move on. We must conquer Whomp's Fortress!
Through the power of the stars, I shall open this door and be a massive bitch to several slabs of talking concrete!
While Bob-Omb Battlefield was run by an insufferable ruler named King Bob-Omb, it seems as though this place has no purpose whatsoever. It's a floating island with cinderblock people. Maybe it's a metaphor. They're the cinderblocks holding down Peach's castle. That's why we're here. To save her castle! And if there's one thing I stand up for, it's a rich person's right to have a big house.
So apparently Toad says he's seen Bowser in the castle with his own eyes. Well alright, shitstain. If you're so fucking wise and you've seen so much shit, why don't YOU go into Whomp's Fortress instead of Rosalina!?
Chip Off Whomp's Block
Oh shit. Stealth time. This is Metal Gear 64 and we've gone tactical.
The reason for our needing to be sneaky is quite obvious: there's a pirahna plant sleeping over there! Awwh. Cute lil flower havin' a nap!
I think we should be respectful and just let him sleep.
SYKE! Time to kill this motherfucker!
EAT MY TOAD ASS, FUCKER!
As we run away from the crime scene to escape the police finding out about our murder, the bricks start falling out from under me.
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME.
After all that nonsense, we arrive at the Giant Whomp (whose name I do not know.) He's a bitter asshole, honestly.
Hey! Some people pay good money for that kind of thing.
Like Tony Atlas.
So you just smash your plump little butt into his spine and kill him. It's easy. I could do this all day. Just watch his spine shatter. You'd think it would be hard but it's about as easy as hitting a Mortal Kombat Fatality-style kill move on a baby.
Holy shit... well. At least he's dead.
To The Top Of The Fortress
Now that the big brick shithead is dead, a tower has jutted out up top with a bunch of other nonsense. Seriously, I don't understand the implications of what this place is. Is this some sort of bizarre psychological purgatory in Mario's mind?
This one's simple. Climb to the top of the tower, grab the star and get the fuck out of town.
Shoot into the Wild Blue
What the fuck is the "wild blue"? The sky? If I shoot into the sky I'll die. Maybe it means like, injecting heroin. Like shoot into the wild blue vein in your arm.
...I don't know if that's how it works. I've never done heroin. I'll have to ask my mom.
You're supposed to use the cannon and shoot yourself at this star, risking life and limb in the pursuit of stardom. This must be how Evel Knievel felt... you know, pre-death.
Red Coins on the Floating Isle
I did this while waiting for a pot-laced rice crispie treat I bought off some dude I don't even know the name of to kick in.
I kinda feel it.
Fall Onto The Caged Island
Since Peach ran around an awful lot for that last one, Rosalina can tag in with her tongue.
Shouldn't it be "Fall Into The Caged Island"? I mean, I guess either one is correct but I just feel like you're going INSIDE of it so... oh well, whatever, nevermind.
I relate. Heavily.
This one's a little intimidating but it's pretty easy if you're good at using your eyeballs for things besides internet pornography.
Blast Away the Wall
Imagine jumping into a cannon and shooting yourself full speed at a concrete wall face first. You'd think that would compact your spine into your scrotum and kill you, right? Well, nope! It actually breaks apart a piece of it and gives you a star!
And believe it or not, that's it! That's Whomp's Fortress. I hope you all have a great day filled with lots of intense, crippling paranoia because of your invasive employers.
Oh Jesus. Alright. I forgot that we still have to get the Wing Cap! I even alluded to it earlier. But that's me. Alluding as fuck.
Hey God. Are you there? It's-a-me. Mario.
The way I learned about how to wind up in this weird sky tower area was actually through a Geocities fansite back in the day. It's the same way I learned how to smash the block in the wall earlier in this Stumblethrough... because clarity in video games is overrated and for fuckheads.
For this one you have to fly in a circle and collect the 8 red coins. Once you do that, hit the tower down below and hit the big red button. This is the Redbull button. It gives you wings!
Now that we can fly, we have to go back.
All the way back.
No, not back in time. If I could do that I'd go back to 8th grade and kick my own ass.
No, we have to go back to Bob-Omb Battlefield and fly through a bunch of rings like we're playing Superman 64.
It's actually criminal how easy this is. Seriously. Look:
BOOM! I did it. And I did it without your help.
That's right. You the reader did nothing to help me accomplish this. It was ALL ME.
...the anticlimactic ending of this all really bothers me. I was trying to hype you up but I don't think it worked. You look bored.
The point is this: We have conquered Bob-Omb Battlefield and destroyed the Bomb King. We have morphed the structure of Whomp's Fortress and smashed the Whomp King. Where do we go from here? Well, all I know is eventually we're going meet the Dragon King Bowser and shove this entire castle right up his plump little ass. He's gonna fucking love it like the slut he is.