Font Size: [XS] [S] [M] [L] [XL] [XXL] :: Explicit Content! 18+
sm64banner

Whomp's Fortress

sm64whomp1
avatarraccoon

Date: April 21st, 2019

Written by: Majin Tween

In the last Stumblethrough of Super Mario 64, my jokes weren't the only things that bombed. The entire place was bombed! We took out King Bob-Omb... and if you'll recall, we still have unfinished business there. But for now we move on. We must conquer Whomp's Fortress!

sm64whomp2
sm64whomp3

Through the power of the stars, I shall open this door and be a massive bitch to several slabs of talking concrete!

sm64whomp4

While Bob-Omb Battlefield was run by an insufferable ruler named King Bob-Omb, it seems as though this place has no purpose whatsoever. It's a floating island with cinderblock people. Maybe it's a metaphor. They're the cinderblocks holding down Peach's castle. That's why we're here. To save her castle! And if there's one thing I stand up for, it's a rich person's right to have a big house.

sm64whomp5

So apparently Toad says he's seen Bowser in the castle with his own eyes. Well alright, shitstain. If you're so fucking wise and you've seen so much shit, why don't YOU go into Whomp's Fortress instead of Rosalina!?

Chip Off Whomp's Block

sm64whomp6

Oh shit. Stealth time. This is Metal Gear 64 and we've gone tactical.

sm64whomp7

The reason for our needing to be sneaky is quite obvious: there's a pirahna plant sleeping over there! Awwh. Cute lil flower havin' a nap!

I think we should be respectful and just let him sleep.

sm64whomp8

SYKE! Time to kill this motherfucker!

sm64whomp9

EAT MY TOAD ASS, FUCKER!

sm64whomp10

As we run away from the crime scene to escape the police finding out about our murder, the bricks start falling out from under me.

sm64whomp11

FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME.

After all that nonsense, we arrive at the Giant Whomp (whose name I do not know.) He's a bitter asshole, honestly.

sm64whomp12

Hey! Some people pay good money for that kind of thing.

Like Tony Atlas.

sm64whomp13
sm64whomp14

So you just smash your plump little butt into his spine and kill him. It's easy. I could do this all day. Just watch his spine shatter. You'd think it would be hard but it's about as easy as hitting a Mortal Kombat Fatality-style kill move on a baby.

sm64whomp15

Holy shit... well. At least he's dead.

sm64whomp16

To The Top Of The Fortress

sm64whomp17

Now that the big brick shithead is dead, a tower has jutted out up top with a bunch of other nonsense. Seriously, I don't understand the implications of what this place is. Is this some sort of bizarre psychological purgatory in Mario's mind?

sm64whomp18

This one's simple. Climb to the top of the tower, grab the star and get the fuck out of town.

sm64whomp19

Shoot into the Wild Blue

sm64whomp20

What the fuck is the "wild blue"? The sky? If I shoot into the sky I'll die. Maybe it means like, injecting heroin. Like shoot into the wild blue vein in your arm.

...I don't know if that's how it works. I've never done heroin. I'll have to ask my mom.

You're supposed to use the cannon and shoot yourself at this star, risking life and limb in the pursuit of stardom. This must be how Evel Knievel felt... you know, pre-death.

sm64whomp21

Red Coins on the Floating Isle

I did this while waiting for a pot-laced rice crispie treat I bought off some dude I don't even know the name of to kick in.

I kinda feel it.

sm64whomp22

Fall Onto The Caged Island

Since Peach ran around an awful lot for that last one, Rosalina can tag in with her tongue.

sm64whomp28

Shouldn't it be "Fall Into The Caged Island"? I mean, I guess either one is correct but I just feel like you're going INSIDE of it so... oh well, whatever, nevermind.

sm64whomp23
sm64whomp24

I relate. Heavily.

sm64whomp25

This one's a little intimidating but it's pretty easy if you're good at using your eyeballs for things besides internet pornography.

Blast Away the Wall

sm64whomp26

Imagine jumping into a cannon and shooting yourself full speed at a concrete wall face first. You'd think that would compact your spine into your scrotum and kill you, right? Well, nope! It actually breaks apart a piece of it and gives you a star!

sm64whomp27

And believe it or not, that's it! That's Whomp's Fortress. I hope you all have a great day filled with lots of intense, crippling paranoia because of your invasive employers.

Just me?

sm64whomp29
sm64whomp30

Oh Jesus. Alright. I forgot that we still have to get the Wing Cap! I even alluded to it earlier. But that's me. Alluding as fuck.

sm64whomp31

Hey God. Are you there? It's-a-me. Mario.

sm64whomp32

The way I learned about how to wind up in this weird sky tower area was actually through a Geocities fansite back in the day. It's the same way I learned how to smash the block in the wall earlier in this Stumblethrough... because clarity in video games is overrated and for fuckheads.

For this one you have to fly in a circle and collect the 8 red coins. Once you do that, hit the tower down below and hit the big red button. This is the Redbull button. It gives you wings!

sm64whomp33

Now that we can fly, we have to go back.

All the way back.

No, not back in time. If I could do that I'd go back to 8th grade and kick my own ass.

No, we have to go back to Bob-Omb Battlefield and fly through a bunch of rings like we're playing Superman 64.

sm64whomp34

It's actually criminal how easy this is. Seriously. Look:

sm64whomp35

BOOM! I did it. And I did it without your help.

That's right. You the reader did nothing to help me accomplish this. It was ALL ME.

...the anticlimactic ending of this all really bothers me. I was trying to hype you up but I don't think it worked. You look bored.

The point is this: We have conquered Bob-Omb Battlefield and destroyed the Bomb King. We have morphed the structure of Whomp's Fortress and smashed the Whomp King. Where do we go from here? Well, all I know is eventually we're going meet the Dragon King Bowser and shove this entire castle right up his plump little ass. He's gonna fucking love it like the slut he is.

sm64whomp36
navleft navright