Date: March 25th, 2020
Written by: Majin Tween
A few years ago, I was at a thrift store and found a really cool Street Fighter 2 shirt. It was a boy's XL, but it fit my dumb little elf body like a glove.
Fat children and 5'5" white girls are the same.
Street Fighter 2 is probably one of the most heralded and beloved fighting games ever... and there's a shitload of versions of it. They just kept making revisions and cranking it out. You can't get away with that with other games. They put out Ocarina of Time: Master Quest and people were like "this is pointless." So truly, we are witnessing greatness.
Specifically today, I'm taking a look at Street Fighter 2: The World Warrior for SNES. I'm told this is the first game I've ever played, but I don't remember this because my brain is made of dog shit.
Ryu, who is the John Cena of Street Fighter, is a meaty faced hunk. He looks like someone who would be all up in Taylor Swift's shit in a music video. His counterpart, Ken, is for those girls who like gritty rocker karate men.
I can't help but notice that when Ryu and Ken are screaming at each other during their fight that they collectively sound like Hitler giving a speech.
When you win a fight, your opponent is shown on the speech screen afterwards with blood all over him. That's pretty gruesome. You don't get that with Sesame Street games... unfortunately.
I want Big Bird's blood on my hands.
Not to bust out another Smarkitude-style wrestling reference, but E-Honda reminds me of Yokozuna... in that he claims to be Japanese but he looks more Samoan.
Dhalsim is probably the coolest character in the game. He's like Papa Shang---
Alright. I'm sorry. I'm writing this while I'm watching WrestleMania 11. I'll try to stop.
But seriously. His legs stretch our like Elastigirl... who, in herself, is a delight.
Oh my God. Elastigirl.
What does Mr. Incredible have that I don't!? Is it because he's CGI and I'm not? That's fucking racist.
Or maybe it's because he's a guy... which is sexist. God damn it. Fuck this problematic bitch.
Guile's hair is fucking bonkers. If he was forced to stay on his knees as some sort of like, weird sex slave, you could totally like set your drink on his head and use him as a table.
There's obviously more characters, like Zangief or Green Man. There's even Chun-Li, whose thighs mine have been compared to. But honestly? This game gets old really fast. I'm of the feeling that fighting games, for the most part, are good to pick up and play like, a round or two, and then shut off. But this is one of the better ones ever made. I recommend it if you're high on meth.