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Super Mario 64

avatarraccoon

Date: January 22nd, 2020

Written by: Majin Tween

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I love the Nintendo 64.

Throughout the time I spent growing up, it was the only console (besides my Gameboy Color) that I had. I would eventually get a PS1 and even a Gamecube, but I always came back to the N64 and got to have new experiences on it all the time.

That's why it pains me to have to say this:

Super Mario 64 fucking sucks.

Yeah. Seriously. It's an all-time classic game that means a lot to me and my childhood memories. Revisiting these worlds is like going home... but I never realized how fucking empty and easy this game is until now.

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Let's first look at Bob-Omb Battlefield. There's almost nothing going on here. The enemies are scattered everywhere. Even better, is I can just walk around them and not even risk getting attacked. They might perk up and start chasing me, but I can outrun them so fucking easily it's like... what's the point? On top of that, you have a health meter. At least if this game killed you in one hit, it would give you the IDEA of a challenge. But no. You're more likely to die going to the fucking grocery store than you are in this game.

The missions are retarded. Your boss battles are basically just running around the guy until you can grab him and throw him, or jumping on them. The other ones are running races, finding hidden stars and... carrying a penguin to another penguin while there's barely anything stopping you.

You may argue that this game "set the precedent for 3D gaming." And that's fine... if the majority of 3D platforming games were actually any good.

For every good and challenging 3D platformer like Gex: Enter the Gecko or Donkey Kong 64, you get 50 more overrated and ridiculously easy games like Banjo-Kazooie or, well, Super Mario 64.

This is why the speedrunning community has been so buildable. The game is so easy to destroy that the only way to create a challenge was to set time limits for yourself. On that front, the game seems fun. I could never get into that scene though. They've learned so many glitches, tricks and manipulations of this game that I have no idea about. But hey, if you want to juice this game up and get some life out of it, try snorting a line of cocaine off a koopa shell and see how fast you can beat it.

Final Verdict

Control rating50
  • 5.0
  • Graphics rating20
  • 2.5
  • Sound rating30
  • 3.5
  • Fun Factor rating20
  • 2.0