Date: March 15th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
Some people would tell you that the Nintendo 64 is a bygone console and that newer consoles like the Nintendo Switch are the way to go.
Those people are ignorant assholes.
There's a scene brewing of people creating all-new Nintendo 64 experiences and the latest one comes from a man named Kaze Emanuar, who seems to be a scientist specializing in Super Mario 64 modding. He has taken the beloved original Super Mario Bros. for the NES, taken damn near all of the mechanics from it and ported it into Super Mario 64's engine.
If you thought Super Mario Bros. was fun with 8 bits, wait 'til you try it with 54 additional bits.
This game doesn't specifically tell us any story--- but neither did the NES version. But the booklet explains it all. Since this version of the game has yet to get a physical release, thus no booklet, I'll turn to the NES version to find out the story.
One day, the kingdom of the peaceful mushroom people was invaded by the Koopa: tribe of turtles famous for their black magic. The quiet, peace-loving Mushroom People were turned into mere stones, bricks and even field horse-hair plants, and the Mushroom Kingdom fell into ruin.
...wait... the Mushroom People were turned into... stones and bricks?
You mean the very same stones and bricks that you bust with your head?
Holy shit. Mario is a fucking murderer.
Only Princess Toadstool can undo the spell and restore her people back to life, but she is being held captive by King Koopa himself. Mario hears of the princess's plight, and sets out on a quest through 32 stages to topple the Turtle Tribe and save the once-peaceful kingdom.
Well, let's hope Mario can save the Mushroom Kingdom! Surely that will end this King Koopa bullshit and restore peace to the Mushroom Kingdom once and for all.
I mean, it's not like there's been 10 million Mario games since the release of this one.
Erm... Well. This is Super Mario Bros 64... That's a lot of Super Mario Bros. games. So if they've had that many battles to save this shit hole, the Mushroom Kingdom must be a worse political climate than Iran.
Because you're a big boy with big choices to make, you have a character selection screen. But beware! There's no fucking point in picking someone who isn't Mario. Here's a quick rundown of each character:
It's fucking Mario.
Jumps slightly higher than Mario. Nearly breaks the game.
Big fat fucking disgrace. Can't even reach the fucking hitboxes. Deserves a shitty life.
Jumps like he's wearing fucking moon shoes. Completely breaks the game.
This is a really faithful recreation that has it's own unique vibe due to the remaining Super Mario 64 elements, like walljumping/backflipping/etc. The camera is stuck in a 2.5D perspective. You can't adjust it... but you really wouldn't want to. Your control is fixed to function in 2D. You can't just turn and face the camera like it's The Office and someone just awkwarded. Nope. You're facing left, right or fucking yourself. Choose wisely.
Each level has it's own "par" counter, for how many deaths you're technically allowed to have before you're considered a completely worthless human being. Die more than 3 times on level 1-3? Go fuck yourself then, whore. Nobody loves you.
From what I can tell, the lives system doesn't really exist. There's a counter on the top left and you can collect green mushrooms... but I haven't gotten a game over despite my constant deaths. Oversight or feature? I have no idea.
I even managed to get hit by a fireball because I tried to duck... by pressing down. Which is how you would have done it in the original game, but this is the Mario 64 engine so I should have pressed Z. I consider that props to this hack for properly confusing me. I am a dumb bitch and you are a good man.
The graphics are literally ripped from either Super Mario 64 or Super Mario Bros. on the NES.
They work beautifully with each other... in fact, they kind of remind me of the Super Mario Bros. level from Super Smash Bros.
Back in the day I used to wish that there was a sidescrolling Super Mario Bros. game for the Nintendo 64 just like this... and hey! It only took 20 fucking years.
My only thought is that the graphics could be a little darker/tattered looking but that's just my own personal preference. I want everything to look like it's caked in dirt for some reason.
Another reason you're always going to want to pick Mario is that every character uses Mario's voice. It's a tad distracting when Waluigi doesn't sound like Fran Drescher. I mean, I know the technical limitations of modifying the game and whatnot might not allow it but I'm reviewing this like a game so shut your slutty little mouth.
As for the music itself, the songs are taken straight from Super Mario 64. The tracks are appropriately placed so it works out, but you won't be getting any new musical experiences out of it... although, if you've ever heard Mario 64 ROM hack soundtracks, you might be glad because they're usually fucking terrible.
Yes. This game is absolutely worth a shit. The twist that Super Mario 64 gives the sidescrolling Mario Bros style game is really sick. Every time you die in this game you feel the vibration of it because it shakes your entire TV screen. It's nuts.
Light a bowl. Grab some snacks. Crank some CDs or watch some movies while you play this game. It's just mindless fun. You might beat it in one night or it might kick your ass endlessly. But one thing's for sure: you're gonna have fun the whole time.
PopoTip: If you have a couple hundred dollars to toss around that you inherited from a dead parent or a lawsuit you won from accidentally shooting yourself in the penis with a nail gun you'll want to pick up an Everdrive: it lets you play ROM hacks like this one on an actual Nintendo 64!
(You can also bootleg legitimately released video games illegally on the internet and put them on there. Considering that Nintendo are a bunch of assholes and nobody's profiting on N64 games except for resellers these days, fuck it. Bootleg the entire catalog if you want. Reggie Fils-Aime wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire and Shigeru Miyamoto would fuck your wife while you're at work.)