Date: April 1st, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
Have you ever wanted to kick the shit out of a bunch of adorable cartoon characters?
Sure. We all do.
Well, thanks to Super Smash Bros. on the Nintendo 64 you can finally kick Mario right in his balls.
Journey with me into the mind of a child with autism. He has a bunch of Nintendo toys that he likes to play with... rather than just play the video games that they're from. He's got imagination! I respect that. But I'd respect him more if he snapped out of this whole disorder thing and got his shit together.
The boy is represented by a hand. God knows what that hand does when the Nintendo 64 gets shut off.
The control on this game is perfect. It's very floaty and lightweight. Basically, you just smash the fuck out of your opponent. Hit them with weapons. Punch them. Fuck them up. The more you hit them, the higher up their hit-point percentages get and the more they fly away when you hit them. You basically have to knock them off the ledge or get their HP so high that they fly into the sky and die. It's simple but addicting.
This game doesn't have any playable women characters, so I've chosen Link because he's feminine. That and he has a sword.
The game follows a linear gameplay mode with no story--- you just generally fight most of the characters in the game and go into a few weird situations. Probably because you're living in some kid's imagination.
Your first opponent is Link. You fight on top of Hyrule Castle... but this is adult Link from Ocarina of Time, and by the time Link hits puberty and starts getting boners Hyrule Castle is already in ruins and Ganondorf's castle is in it's place.
...and yes, I know I haven't gotten there in my Ocarina of Time Stumblethrough yet but I beat that game like 15 years ago. I'm not going to bullshit you.
That's right. You have to fight 18 Yoshis.
I mean... fuck.
Even on it's highest difficulty setting and after having drank four entire Mike's Hard Lemonades, it's still not that hard to blow through these Yoshis. It's like walking into an elementary school and kicking the shit out of kindergarteners.
Look at them and then look at me. Which of us do you think would win in a fist fight?
I bet me.
I imagine that whenever I get around to reviewing Star Fox on here that it'll piss off everyone because I've never actually played Star Fox for more than a few minutes at a time.
They've got a minigame where you have to hit a certain set number of targets on a course specifically designed for each character.
I personally like to pretend they're all the Target logo and that I am smashing consumerism.
After the target nonsense, you wind up in a tag-team match against the Super Mario Bros. Your opponent is randomly selected and, due to the limited roster, is unlikely to actually have any relation to your character of choice whatsoever.
The one really cool thing about the Pikachu level is that it randomly generates Pokemon that fuck your shit up. But other than that, not much to note.
PopoTip: If you trick Pikachu into doing his zippity-bippity trick, he'll kill himself!
They wind up sticking you against Donkey Kong, except he's fucking huge and you have two tag-team partners.
The "Board the Platforms" minigame is super fun, but then again I'm a slut for platforming. Give me some stuff to jump on and I'm stoked.
After that, we get a shitload of Kirbys. Like, holy fuck. So many Kirbys.
The Metroid level is particularly interesting because it has rising lava that can fuck your shit right up. But it looks like chicken noodle soup broth.
Then you run into a mini-boss: Metal Mario.
Which is kind of confusing because Metal Mario, in Super Mario 64, was just a powerup. It's not like he's an evil version of Mario. It's like if you had to fight Wing Cap Mario or something.
This is actually profoundly difficult because he's so fucking heavy. You have to really rack up the hit points on his ass.
Honestly, Metal Mario (when the game is on it's highest difficulty setting, which is how I'm playing it), is hard as fuck. It took me forever to actually successfully get past him, and I almost died in the process. I was falling to my death but a bomb accidentally went off and shot Metal Mario to his death right before my death. But you know what? It gets me to the next part of this review so FUCK IT. VICTORY!
After that, you get a pretty easy minigame called Race to the Finish. Basically, you pretend you're being chased by your gay thoughts and run away at full speed while a series of obstacles try to fuck you over.
And hey! If you thought fighting a shitload of Yoshis was unfair: how about 30 fucking polygons!?
PopoTip: Stay on the ground and let the polygons come to you! Then you can murder them at your leisure!
Finally, you end up fighting The Hand.
The Hand does all the things a hand does.
It makes finger-guns and shoots bullets at you.
It balls itself into a fist and punches you.
It spanks you like the dirty girl you are.
Okay, there's really not a lot that a hand can do without actually holding something. But it does all three.
Once you beat the game, you're treated to a fun little credits sequence where you can shoot the people responsible for this game.
Wait, that came out wrong.
The graphics are kind of lackluster for N64 standards, but they're charming. There's plenty of games released around the same time that look better. A lot of the characters are very low-poly.
The music in this game is cute as fuck. Most of the songs come from the games that the characters themselves are from. You'll hear N64-renditions of hits from Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Star Fox and more.
A lot of the sounds in the game sound like they're from a kung-fu movie too, which is endlessly charming.
As it stands right now, there's a major debate upon the superiority of which Super Smash Bros. game is the best. Some people think it's whatever new one has come out the most recently. Most people know it's Melee. But personally, I love the original Super Smash Bros. for N64. No, it's not as in depth. There's a very limited character roster. But it's fun. Next time you're having a sleepover with your friends, take a moment from making out and having pillow fights to play this game. You'll have a ton of fun.