Date: May 8th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
I first played Tigger's Honey Hunt in a McDonald's back when they had Nintendo 64 kiosks.
It later showed up at Hollywood Video and we would continually rent it and try to beat it.
I legitimately haven't played it in nearly 20 years.
We join Winnie the Pooh destroying evidence of his horrendous crimes, when Tigger shows up and commits interspecies assault.
The story is simple: Winnie the Pooh needs an illegal amount of honey for all of his friends so they don't abandon him because they're all materialistic douchebags. That's where you, Tigger, step in.
And as we know, Winnie the Pooh is a slut for honey.
One cool thing about this game is that it's a sidescroller... but you'll notice that you don't actually have an attack. Hitting B makes you crouch to avoid things.
In hindsight, I think the only reason it took me so long to beat this game as a kid was because I kept having to return it to Hollywood Video. This game seems stupid easy.
I walked by Rabbit who told me that he lost a wheel and needs it back. I promptly walked like two feet to the right and found it.
Did shithead ever even like... look over?
In level one, the only enemy I've run into was bees. That's where the duck comes in. They'll fly right by and you're fine. But I beat the first level in no time. It took more time to type this out than it did to actually beat the level. (and ace it with flying colors.)
There is a minimum requirement for how many honey pots you have to collect... but they're all in plain sight. I realize that I am an adult woman but I'd like to hope that kids aren't this stupid. I mean they totally are but fuck.
I didn't know about this movie until today and I wasn't ready for it. I normally hate CGI in movies but it awakened my ancient love of Winnie the Pooh. Auntel used to have a massive Winnie the Pooh collection in her house which included a toaster that burned a picture of Pooh into her waffles and belted out the theme song upon ejection.
The game didn't even explain this minigame. It just threw me into it. I thought it was a fishing game but it turns out we're throwing our sticks in the water to see whose will hit the rope at the end of the stream first. I guess fishing was too violent for a Winnie the Pooh game... but I thought it was okay to eat fish because they don't have any feelings?
Believe it or not, I just dropped my controller on the reset button and my game started over without having been saved.
And by the way, only Tiggers are allowed to say it with an E-R at the end.
And while we're at it: Piglet is a slur.
This may sound profoundly disturbing, but I'm actually stuck in this game and cannot figure out how to make it to the other side of a ledge.
Pooh made me go find his umbrella, which was deep in a cave. I was hoping that he would give me the umbrella and let me float across the way like a complete coward. You know, like in Yoshi's Story. But no dice.
So you know what? I have to do something depressing. Something fucked up. Something so downright despicable that I will forever have to live with the shame of it.
I have to look up a walkthrough of Tigger's Honey Hunt and find out how to make this jump.
To my annoyance, he literally did the exact jump I've been trying to do except successfully.
After an hour, including eating dinner (which was chilli and chicken nuggets! Yum!), I was able to do it... but as it turns out it didn't need the springy jump they had been screaming at me to do in this level. It was the floaty jump from before. I feel like an idiot but I was betrayed!
It took me so long to do that SurgeryWaste wished me good luck with it before logging off AIM and going to bed. That's right. My struggle with Tigger's Honey Hunt was so tragic that my support system crumbled.
The game ends with a rock-paper-scissors minigame, but it's called "Scissors, Paper, Stone." Stupid British bullshit. But it's easy. All you have to do is stare at the bottom right, see what the owl ends up picking in the last split-second and then pick the opposite. I killed his stupid ass in mere seconds once I figured out the system.
So Tigger collected a bunch of pots of honey, but Winnie the Pooh being a fat slut ate them all.
You know what? I'm sick of helping this stupid fuck. I went through all that shit to get his fucking honey for his party and his fat fucking self-indulgent ass eats it all? Fuck that. It's time for Pooh to fucking die.
And everyone lived happily ever after.