Date: March 28th, 2019
Written by: Majin Tween
The first time I saw Ocarina of Time was at my babysitter Lauren's house back in the late 90s. My mom used to drop me off there because she had to go to work/smoke weed/probably blow strangers and I wasn't trusted to take care of myself.
Lauren the Babysitter had a son who played this game and I thought it looked cool--- but we weren't allowed to play it because it was his. Instead we played games like Claymates, Earthworm Jim and other SNES greats.
Fast forward to 2003 when I was taken to live on my mom's rich friend Mama Bear's property in 2000 Forest. There I was finally allowed to play Ocarina of Time-- and in fact, because Mama Bear had the Zelda Collector's Edition for Gamecube, she let me keep it.
I can't describe what this game actually means to me. I know the popular thing is to be like "durr it's overrated" and praise some other bullshit. But no. This game blew my mind when I played it and it became an obsession. I downloaded fan art. I visited fan sites. I joined communities.
I even had my own Ocarina of Time fansite.
"In the vast, deep forest of Hyrule... Long have I served as the Guardian Spirit. I am the Great Deku Tree..."
Alright. So the beginning of this amazing story is narrated by a fucking tree. Okay. Whatever. Fuck it. I'll smoke some weed and pretend that makes sense.
So the Great Deku Tree lives with a bunch of lolis that he protects.
Apparently, every one of these Forest Lolis has a guardian fairy that helps them Z-target each other. Or whatever.
Hahaha! This boy doesn't have a fairy!? What a fuckin' LOSER!
Link winds up having a nightmare. I've been having a lot of those lately. It reminds me of this dream I had when I was a kid where my mom's friend Troll came in dressed like a clown and trapped me inside a bouncy house with no doors.
This dream Link's having is nothing like that at all.
A white horse gallops out of a castle. On it is a butch lesbian clutching a Royal Loli under her arm.
As they escape from this Dream Castle, another horse emerges: this one's black. Like the girl who comes into the place I work a lot that I have a crush on. But the black horse is being ridden by a rugged, dark skinned man who clearly has no respect for me whatsoever. Which is also like that girl I have a crush on.
Naturally, Link is terrified of this strapping load blower and pisses all over himself.
The Great Deku Tree is kind of an annoying wooden douche. Like, imagine giving yourself a nickname of "The Great _____" and referring to yourself in the third person while talking to your friends. Seriously. Imagine if I started articles like "Oh Reader of Human Raccoon. Listen to my words. The words of the Great Majin Tween."
That makes me sound like a stuck-up cunt, right? I'm aware of that. But this tree has 0% self awareness. He's a dick.
Oh shit. They know I turned my N64 on.
Apparently, the man in Link's nightmare is on his way to Kokiri Forest. He's been drinking, he's been furiously slapping his own ass and watching Cousin Skeeter reruns. He's pissed. He's ready to fuck up Hyrule. But we can't let that happen! Not now! Not fucking ever!
But now it's time for the journey to begin.
Now we are looking through Navi the Fairy's eyes as she flies through Kokiri Forest. This'll be our first look at all it has to offer!
There's shittier places, I guess.
But I'm not seeing any Chuck E. Cheese locations anywhere so this place can kiss my ass.
...wait, what the fuck? This guy is fucking a rock.
He's treating that rock like a lady of the evening.
So anyway, Navi shows up and wakes Link up.
Imagine that. You're just sleeping when some little tiny flying orb tells you that it's time to save the world. That fucking sucks.
But I've been there. I know how it is. I have sympathy for this fool.
But Link doesn't want to wake up, which enrages the light ball.
Damn. Navi just called Link an entitled millennial.
It's time to head out into Kokiri Forest! Let's explore nature!