Date: March 28th, 2019
Ah, yes. Kokiri Forest.
A glorified swamp that smells like plastic dinosaurs.
So as I try to leave my shitty, no-TV having house, a green haired feminist runs up to preach her agenda to me.
Alright. Now I'm free to move around. No longer bound by these endless cutscenes... now I'm only bound by having to pause the game every 5 seconds to write something down in Notepad.
What the fuck did you just call me?
Oh, you meant the little flying orb thingy around me. Yeah. It's pretty sweet I guess. She showed up and told me I have to save the world.
Eh. Not really. I wanted to stay inside and watch Drexell's Class.
According to Saria, it's a "big honor" to speak to the Great Deku Tree. But I don't care. Having Abraham Lincoln pee in your face would be an honor too but that doesn't mean I want it to happen.
No thanks. I've seen what kind of "moves" you do.
Rock fucking freak.
That's how I converted from Agnostic to Buddhist. I just pushed C-Up.
Well, move out of the way then so I can end this hellish facade once and for all.
MOVE, BITCH. GET OUT THE WAY.
Wow. Mido's a cunt.
He's making rock fucker pick up rocks. But he can't because he gets so horny he just wants to rub his dick on them.
All I've really learned about this forest is that Mido is a piece of garbage and he wants to get with Saria.
I think it's about time to meet this Mido shithead and give him The Business.
You dare question my manhood!? Well your mom didn't last night!
Besides, you two foot twink. If you hadn't noticed this little ball of light floating around my head: I do have a fairy now. So kiss my ass.
Because you're a loser and I will never forgive the Great Deku Tree for giving birth to you.
Oh... fuck. I hadn't really thought about that. I was just gonna go in fists blazing like Bruce Lee.
Alright. So now we have to find a sword and a shield.
Not according to Mido.
Alright. Using my cunning intellect I have found a sword. But intelligence will only get you so far: now we have to bow to the pressures of consumerism. We have to buy a shield from the grocery store.
I hope they have a crane game.
PopoTip: The Forest Lolis do not value money like the greedy warmongers of the real world. You can find rupees in bushes, trees, inside rocks and more.
...then why would anyone shop here?
Alright. We have acquired the shield. We have the sword. It's time to talk to a tree.
Go fuck yourself, bitch. I bought the necessary supplies to take this class. Get out of my way.